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I might have to get another year for my blog, so if it “disappears” i will take care of it. Someone notified me that there were only ads on the page, and couldn’t find my blog. Thanks Hi, everybody. I entered Callie in a really tiny baby contest to win a gift card for various baby things. All you have to do are follow the simple directions below to cast your vote and help her win! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. First, click this link below. At the top of the page by “Honey Buns Boutique” click the “LIKE” button, previously known as “become a fan.” Next, click on this picture/link to get to her photo and click “LIKE” underneath it to cast your vote. Comments don’t count…just “likes.” Thank you very much!
i have a confession to make. I don’t even know why I’m letting this out. I think I need to get it off of my chest. Not many people know. Many will judge me for it and many will think more of me. I know that if I was someone from the outside, I would think…what the hell is this girls problem? She really is nuts, crazy, or psycho…stupid. Well, my grandparents offered me to come live with them and raise Callie, and I cry as I write this because I didn’t take that offer. Many of you might say, good for you, because that still wouldn’t be ideal for a child…that they need better. But my grandparents’ is a great place, nice house, same town as my aunt and uncle, they are successful, it would have been okay. But, I think that I was just selfish as hell and I can’t even think of words to describe it…stupid. I’m sharing this because I think all of the positive comments I am getting aren’t true or fair. I don’t deserve it. I deserve ridicule and hurtful comments like I used to get from everybody. And the reason that they hurt me so much is because I knew deep down everything that everyone said was true. That I’m not a mom, I’m worthless, I couldn’t do it, I’m selfish, Callie is better off without me, etc. I think this will be the last time I write, for a while, but everyone will know how I am…depressed, not happy, wanting to just end everything every day but living without the strength to do so. Just “getting by” every day. Barely living…truth is, I was depressed before this, but not nearly as bad. This messed me up and pushed me way over the edge. Yeah, I could get “help,” maybe I will, but I don’t see how that will help. All they want is their paycheck and they don’t understand firsthand. If I find someone in my situation who can counsel me, they might say like all of the rest how great their situation is, and how it turned out, and I think I have the best situation of all situations…but i’m not ready to hear anything good. I’m not ready to hear anything bad either. I sort of just want to sit there and trash talk about adoption and all of the biased adoption agencies, non profit or not. I really STILL don’t know what was right and what was wrong, all I know is that I was wrong. And sometimes, I think I could be sitting here with Callie as my own and be saying the same thing…that I was wrong and selfish to keep her, but I will never know that, will I? Whatever. I’ve had it. I’m exhausted. I have no sleep. The slightest movements kill my head. I’m just so tired and out of it. Anyway, I’m over it for now. Goodbye. yesterday, i had the worst breakdowns i’ve ever had, i think. and now i’m visiting callie. i need some extreme help. visiting her doesn’t even make me happy anymore. i feel like this is really destroying me little by little. actually, a lot, by a lot. just over and over, never stopping. it makes me so sad that I don’t feel right even visiting. something just isn’t right with me. i went to california for a few days with my grandparents just to take a vacation. we got back and i’m crying already. i got the best sleep while i was there, and now it’s 3:25 and I still can’t sleep. I have a room I have to share with my sister, no more privacy. my stuff was used that had never been open, and she is MAKING it known that its “HER ROOM.” What a welcome. I am not getting along with anybody here and i’m crying my first hour back. I have nothing here for me in texas. I was so sad to leave california. as sad as I was to leave NY. I thought it was because i loved NY so much, but the truth is, its because at home there is no peace. i can’t sleep, i can’t “function.” everything about me is screwed up. i’m not sleeping tonight. good thing i can leave in 2 days and see callie again. but that is even sad. i’ve been wanting her back. i’m almost thinking about not going, but that won’t help. i hate visits with her. i don’t feel right or at peace. i mean, i do, and i’m very happy the way she’s being taken care of, but the uneasiness outweighs the peacefulness. this is going to be a long couple of months before i leave. and i’m starting to realize that new york wont fix anything i can’t remember the last time I was happy. i can’t remember the last time I actually laughed. i can’t remember the last time I actually cared enough to go out and get something. I can’t remember being happy before Callie. I can’t remember being happy after Callie. Maybe I was happy the moment she was born because she was finally here, but then again one of the fist things that ran through my head was that she was only going to be mine for 2 days…if that. seriously. i’m depressed beyond belief. even without seeing Justin in months, he told me I was depressed. I want to fix myself for her… But sometimes I feel like just giving up. Going to NY. Partying all the time. Stupid, I know. Not caring about anything. Not about consequences, or being responsible. It’s a new place. I can start over. Maybe I will. I just need to be happy, i guesss. I don’t know what to do. I guess New York won’t help. Moving closer won’t help. It will only piss me off. Jealousy will really eat you alive. I’ll be ten times more depressed than I am now. I feel like I don’t want to be here, but I’d never do anything stupid. 1. I feel like I have a future..maybe. 2. Callie. I’m just so lost. I can’t wait to move. I hate it at home and I hate it in TX. It’s too depressing…too many memories. I know this is about to cause some hateful feedback, but I don’t care. I won’t respond. My life is so unstable. I hate going back and forth to houses between my moms boyfriends and my dads. We are putting our house up on the market and I can’t stay there. My friend recently moved in with us, and she’s staying there. We don’t want to kick her out because she gets her own apartment August 1st. Anyway, everything at our house is going to be shut off, so it would be boring but it upsets me that I can’t stay there permanently. It’s such an inconvenience moving back and forth. I feel bad for kids with divorced parents. I just hate it here. It’s so unstable and I feel like I have no one. I really don’t talk to any of my “friends” anymore. I pretty much dropped out. I am not with my boyfriend anymore. I recently got back with Justin, Callies dad, though. He is a source of the LITTLE bit of happiness I do have. I just can’t wait to move out of this place. It makes me sad I didn’t get my last year of high school sometimes. although, i know if i was there that I’d be wanting to get out. Just seeing everybody post up their end of the year pictures and saying “goodbye” to everybody else makes me somewhat sad. But, then again, high school is really overrated. I thought everything in High School counted towards the real world. Truth is, it really doesn’t. I regret getting pregnant and not waiting to have sex sometimes, but I don’t regret my baby. Not at all. I’d trade all of it just for her. I think it all worked out. Besides graduating early, and this may sound bad but, I think Callie coming into being is my greatest and best accomplishment in those years. She is so beautiful and all of this happened for a reason. This is also crazy, but the day she was conceived, I was wearing an “I HEART NEW YORK” shirt. Ha. I think without her I would have never been inspired to do anything. I wouldn’t have cared. I really, really wouldn’t have cared. I love her so much, though. Something Corporate – Break Myself “Well, I’m willing to break myself
Other than that, I’m working on my book, in hopes of helping others and I also hope that Callie will be able to see it one day and understand, and not completely hate me. Goodnight. Er, morning. |
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Copyright © 2010 the life of ashley salazar - All Rights Reserved |
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It’s about 5:30 AM my time. 5:32. I can’t sleep. My sleeping habits got back to normal. I was really starting to go to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up alright. I was going about my day like it was nothing and just whatever. Now, I just started crying and every night I have thoughts about everything going on, but like I said before. The sadness, or “depression” comes and goes in phases. It’s come back. I put my 2 weeks into work and that used to be the only thing keeping me going and helping me to actually get up. After I’m done working, I don’t feel like I’m going to ever want to get out of bed. Either I’ll stay awake for days at a time like I used to, with a couple hours of sleep or just sleep a lot. Whichever one, until the hurt passes again. Callie really has no idea how hard it really is to go through this. She’s just so happy and I am so happy for her but I also feel jealous that I can never be the one to give her that. I can later for my “future” kids if i EVER decide to have any, but never for her. It won’t be fair and I feel like I’ll always feel guilty. I know some might say I did give that to her for what I did, but I’m not physically doing it, so it’s not the same. It really makes me feel worthless. I just miss and need my baby. She’d be in the next room over, listening to jack johnson or some other type of mellow music to go to sleep. I can’t even listen to that stuff without crying almost. I really thought I was getting better, but, I’m really not. I look fine on the outside, yeah. But on the inside I’m really dying. I still can’t handle seeing those stupid rich moms at walmart with their babies and kids who don’t know how good they have it. The ones who are really mean to their kids, I want to say something to, because they don’t know how fortunate they are. Maybe since it’s my last week, I will. It’s really none of my business, though. But anyway, I wish I could redo that month that I had her. Not only because I was so happy for her to always be with me and the feeling that no matter where I went, I had something WONDERFULLLL to come home to but also because I feel like I was such a horrible wanna-be mom. Seriously. I sucked at it. I tell myself that I did good, but I really did really awful. I think I’ll live with tons of regret that New York, my own book, and a good college education can’t fix.