i don’t think i am going to be blogging for a little bit. i have a lot to sort through.
is everybody watching 16 & pregnant?
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thank you everyone for all of the inspirational comments. really. one, really, really touched me a lot though. but, for some others, there is a huge legal battle with no guaranteed outcome. I’m not going to get into that, though. Today at work is so crazy. I can’t take it anymore, sometimes. There are so many parents and babies/kids that come through and i get so angry sometimes. But today was the worst. I had a beautiful baby crying behind me, a baby at the register in front of me crying and a baby at the front of the store and somewhere a few aisles back crying. You know how in movies when something happens and they focus on that ONE sound or event or words and everything sounds kind of “blurry” in the background? Well, that happened, today. The babies crying like all around me and I felt seriously psychotic. I was fighting back the tears as HARD as I could. The lady I was checking out was probably like, “what the hell is this girl’s problem?” Seriously, I was a mess. I felt like I was on the verge of like breaking down or having a panic attack. I could not take it. I wanted to like, get the hell out of there and never come back or go anywhere for that matter. I just wanted quiet. I didn’t want to hear anything or listen to anything or anyone. Babies crying are such a bad trigger. One, because I WANT to deal with a fussy crying baby. I really do. Two, I NEVER let my baby just sit there and cry. I didn’t even let her fuss. If she was unhappy, I dropped whatever to fix it. And it sucks now, because I feel like I’m forgetting her face or something or forgetting how it felt to hold her, or bathe her, or the way she felt or something. Seriously, I’m like crying now. This is going to screw with my head or mess me up forever. Even one birth mom I talked to told me she was really worried. I don’t think this is normal. Even if I did take anti-anxiety pills, nothing can fill the void of my missing baby. I don’t care if I can see her anytime I want. She’s not mine. I’m not mommy. No matter what anyone says, I never will be. She will look to her new “PARENTS” for help and security. I am so screwed up. I don’t know what I want or what I want to do. I don’t know if my thoughts are consuming me and they’re MAKING me want her back when I was so confident in my decisions regarding her. I can’t handle this. I really can’t. I’m literally going CRAZY and it’s eating at me little by little. A counselor won’t fill the void. A medication or two or three or four or a million won’t fill the void. Seeing her on breaks from school won’t fill the void. NOTHING will. Just like nothing could fill the void of my biological father being a complete and total you-know-what…it’s been 18 years and I’m still not over his stupidity. I don’t know what’s holding me back. I think that I just want her to have the best life she can, or maybe because I’m SELFISH. im going to become a bitter woman online like everyone else. NOT. Totally joking. Ugh. But i will never move past this. I really won’t. She’s my baby. What the heck do I do? I can’t live like this, sometimes. Breakdowns, and everything. Maybe I have PPD. Maybe I should put everything aside and get on government assistance temporarily. Food stamps, WIC, Medicaid, because I couldn’t do it alone. Why am I even planning this or realizing this NOW? It’s way much too late. Death Cab – Marching Bands of Manhattan First of all, I want to thank the people with the amazing comments. I don’t have time to respond to them all, but know that they do touch me and help a lot. I really appreciate it so much. I will try my hardest to respond. So much has been going on. Sorry I haven’t written, though. I had a wonderful and amazing trip to New York for the first time. I visited an awesome college that I would love to go to. New York is so me. I was with some of the other girls from the show and it was sad because they all had something to go home to. I feel like I had nothing. I cried because I didn’t want to leave. New York keeps me sane, it seems like. Not totally, but somewhat. I just feel so distracted. I’m afraid I just feel that way because it’s brand new. A brand new place. I just know that I have always wanted to go and now that I have, I know it is where I want to be. I think, at least. No matter if I go to school here, I will still end up there. I love it there. I finally feel that i belong somewhere. New York is my “home.” That is what I feel. I need to be there. It is so fast paced and different. There is really no explaining it. It’s not like the movies or pictures. You just have to see it for yourself. Today was a rough, rough day. Maybe because I didn’t have much to distract me and I had a huge, huge unbelievable breakdown. I feel psycho every time. I really, really do. I feel like life is not worth living without her, but I have to because I have to make her proud. It is too late to do anything about getting her back, now. No matter how bad I want to or how quick I would give up New York for her. I love her. She is my life. Some days I just don’t want to keep going. I want to lay in bed forever and cry and not go on with life. I feel like dying, some days, too, to be honest. She is beautiful. She is my baby and it is so unfortunate things had to be this way. Honestly, I am not sure if this is the best decision for me. Or her. I don’t know. No, I am not going to become a psycho internet predator, trying to convince others to not experience the pain I am. Adoption might be right for some people. It might not. Some people are just stronger than I am or ever will be. All I know is I miss her and I love her and I am so lost still. Really, truly am. This picture is the first picture I asked for earlier before I decided to write this. Thats all the guts I have had so far. I feel like I’m wasting time and being a wimp for not sucking it up and just going to see her. I feel so weak. Oh well. I love you, Callie. “You’ll always be my number one girl.” -
Comes from me and somebody else that cares very, very much for you as well. Here are links to my NY pictures and some photography:
MoMA : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=393082&id=716040159&l=55df521d92 New York : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=392135&id=716040159&l=2287eee9ab I feel like somebody freaking died. WOAH. Day 14. It’s been two weeks? It’s really an up and down roller coaster. I feel so bipolar. I can’t live without her. I need her here with me. I’ll give up New York. I don’t care. It’s not like it could happen anyway. Wow, that was all over the place and no one probably knows the half of it. Well, actually people don’t. There are things I can’t mention, really. Oh, today I took my ACTs. My mind was totally elsewhere. Math was what was going to save me. Math and writing. Writing was good. Math, I went super slow and didn’t get to finish. Reading, eh ok. Still slow. Science…I could NOT concentrate. I don’t know ANYTHING. The questions were so much harder than the practice. My mind was so off. I kept thinking about Callie. I wanted to cry. I almost did. I marked every answer, well maybe 3/4s of it as “C” and “G.” It sucks. It really does. My SATs, I was too big to be comfortable in the desk because of being pregnant with Callie. My ACTs, I wished that I was too big to fit in that desk again with Callie that much closer to me. I’d honestly repeat the whole pregnancy over again. Back to day one when it all happened. I don’t care. I miss her and I want to be close to her. I’ve pretty much regressed. i slept back in callie & i’s old room im probably just going through a bad stage http://joy21.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/what-is-grosser-than-gross-2/#comments This woman seems to be taking stabs at my mother now. It is a new years resolution for her not to come to my blog. And because I have hair extensions, I can take care of a child =] Yes. It’s very true! Ha. I am just so amused at the fact I am affecting their lives so incredibly much. Oh my Lord, Lord, Lord. Haha. She’s even closing comments to people that stick up for me and posting my youtube videos up. I am glad that she is giving me more “publicity!” Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better, but still a little like…confused. Can’t explain it, but better, I suppose. Thank you everybody who has kind words to share. I really appreciate it. Thank you, so much. From my mother…to everybody: This is the first time I comment and wasn’t planning to but I see what pain my daughter is in. She is trying to cope with the hardest decision ever. All of these horrible comments from people like you don’t help either. Mothers want what is best for their children. That’s all I have ever wanted for my daughter and I know that I know that is all my daughter wanted for hers. You don’t know anything about Ashley or her family. So I feel like it is my responsibility to tell you (even if it is none of your business.) Ok, so Ashley got pregnant April 1st 2009. We sat down and discussed her options. I want you to know that she immediately took abortion off her list. We discussed adoption vs. parenting. We had many discussions. We made lists of pros and cons. I am a single mom. There is only so much that I could provide financially and with a 12 year old and a very demanding full time job I could not commit to babysitting. Ashley wasn’t thinking about herself at all. She was thinking about Callie 1st and foremost and then about everyone else she was affecting. You do not know the 1st thing about Ashley’s upbringing. I have always worked demanding jobs that have kept me away from home a lot. Ashley’s father has never consistently been a part of her life. This has affected her tremendously. Callie was going to have an absent father as well. This was a very big concern for Ashley. She cries at every Fathers Day. She cries when she sees daddies and daughters spending time together. She desperately wanted Callie to have the stability she felt she lacked growing up. I did remarry when Ashley was 4 and my ex husband raised her from 4 years till we divorced when she was 16. He promised that he would always be her father but then he moved 550 miles away. He only took responsibility for our 12 yr old (his bio daughter). Once again she felt abandoned. Because I knew my daughter carried around this pain growing up, when I was around, I did everything for her and I guess you could say I spoiled her. Now my daughter is 18 and can’t do anything for herself (cook, clean, etc…) She has not been driving for 1 year yet. She got her 1st job when she was pregnant. She just learned how to wash her own clothes. I know as harsh as you are you are probably thinking how pathetic this sounds. What I am telling you is that I am responsible for the person Ashley is today. She is desperately trying to grow up now. Along with the resentment she carries around for her absent father, she also resents me for never being there. She saw a pattern that she was going to repeat. She loves Callie so much that she did not want her to experience that either. I know it means nothing to you but it does to Ashley. She is young. She needs to go to college and she will also have to work leaving very little time for Callie. There is also a very negative energy in our home. Ashley and I have a very troubled relationship that we are trying to repair. We have a lot of blow ups. Again this is none of your business but I feel like I must defend Ashley’s decision. Ashley did not want Callie to be around the arguing. Again we are working on repairing it but you can’t fix years of anger and resentment over night. Other reasons: My 12 yr old, financial, no child support, college education, insurance… She desperately loves her. She is not exploiting her. I take full responsibility for the blog. When Ashley got pregnant I encouraged her to blog about her feelings so she wouldn’t keep them bottled up. The blog came way before MTV. Ashley really wanted to reach out to teens after becoming pregnant. She was feeling the pain of kids at school ridiculing her and snickering. Hell her best friend ended up dating the biological father shortly after Ashley got pregnant and flaunted it in her face! She realized that pregnancy is not glamorous and shows like Juno and The Secret Life of An American Teenager were not portraying an accurate picture of teen pregnancy. She just wanted to get the word out there. She wanted to send out a warning to teen girls. Then another teen girl came to her and told her about 16 and Pregnant. After researching what the show was about I gave Ashley my consent to apply. This show is a documentary. They too are trying to paint a real picture of teen pregnancy. They have not influenced Ashley in anyway with her decision. They have never given us a script or told us what to say. It is true life. Ashley’s struggles are real. Let’s change gears now. Let’s talk about the birth and adoption. I will tell you that the 3 days we spent in the hospital and the week after were the most heart wrenching days that I have EVER experienced in my life. Ashley was confident with her adoption plan prior to the birth. My brother and sister-in-law were a god sent. When they stepped in we decided to go with a private attorney vs. the agency that was giving Ashley incredible support and counseling. When we left the agency the counseling stopped. Ashley was unprepared for the birth and how that whole experience was going to affect her. She had decided that since she would always be in Callie’s life that it would be ok to spend the 48 hours in the hospital prior to signing. I was so worried because I know what is like to see your baby for the first time and how amazing birth is. I knew that it would make going through with her adoption plan very difficult. Well I was right. We checked in to the hospital on a Tuesday night and did not get good sleep again till we were discharged on Friday. Ashley was had some complications during delivery which wore her out even more. From the moment Ashley laid eyes on Callie her confidence and decision went out the window. She cried for the next few days. She loved on Callie as much as she could. She prolonged discharged. Because the agency was out of the picture I became the middle man. When you have a close family like we do, you were worry about everyone’s feelings. My brother and his wife came up and were staying with my sister. My parents were there as well. Everyone was calling me to see how Ashley was and wanted to know if she was sticking to her decision. I will tell you the best people were my Brother and his wife. They did not push; they just wanted what was best for Ashley. They did not even come to the hospital for the birth. They wanted to give Ashley and Callie their privacy. I was the one that pressed. I lost sight of Ashley’s feelings. I was concerned with the 48 hrs and that it would be time to sign away her rights. I was thinking about my brother. I told Ashley that her time was up and she needed to make a decision. I told her that my brother needed to know if they were going home with Callie or not. I forgot to listen. She was desperate and delirious. Her eyes were so swollen from all the crying she couldn’t even see straight. She kept saying “Mom I don’t know, I need more time with Callie.” I didn’t hear her. Well she felt pressured so she gave Callie to them. But what came next was the most devastating thing that I have ever had to experience. To see my daughter lying there in pain and agony not wanting to live anymore just killed me. I did not know what to do. I reached out to the social worker from the original adoption agency. She said that the agency would have never allowed her to sign if they would have been there. All of the things Ashley was saying were red flags. They would have had an attorney present at signing as well along with other things that did not happen as they should have. After calling the social worker, I called my brother. I do have to tell you that he and his wife are the most incredible people I know. They truly wanted the best for Ashley and Callie. They encouraged her to come get her. They built up her confidence and told her they knew she could raise her. They prayed with her. They wanted to give Ashley more time to make a decision that she felt confident about. So Ashley brought Callie home. She did her best to make it work. She found a job and struggled with childcare. She was angry with me once again for not being able to care for Callie in her absence. Her job does not pay enough to justify daycare. I cannot afford daycare. My insurance would not cover Callie so we were private pay patients, meaning we were responsible for the entire bill. Ashley’s college deadlines were piling up. The stress grew and we were arguing more. Ashley did not want this for Callie. She desperately wanted to be there for her. She wanted peace, stability and happiness for Callie. To KimKim you are correct Ashley is VERY immature and has a whole lot of growing up to do. Why would anyone want Callie to suffer through that? So with some counseling and therapy Ashley once again decided that her adoption plan was the right thing for Callie. Ashley decided that she would rather take all the pain for Callie than have the same experience she did growing up. She is having a very hard time with this decision but she has peace knowing that Callie is happy where she is. She has so much love. My parents are 5 minutes away. All of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins are where she is. We will all play our same roles. My 12 yr is still Auntie, I am still grandma and Callie will know that Ashley is her mama. Callie will be blessed because she will also have my brother and his wife to call mom and most importantly Daddy! I am very proud of Ashley! She has made a very selfless and mature decision. Yes I know that she has shared something very private with the world but we hope that it will bring some awareness to young teens out there that are considering pregnancy! There is NOTHING glamorous about teen pregnancy! |
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