Comments on: Replies to Everybody’s Posts

By: Ashley Salazar

Ashley Salazar — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 19:12:10 +0000

Thanks, so much.

By: Natalie

Natalie — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:06:08 +0000

If you know that you can’t adequately take care of your child and see adoption as the best choice for the both of you, I don’t think your regret will be substantial. Instead, I think you should be proud for not only making a tough, unselfish choice but working with your situation and being able to keep your daughter in your family. “Aunt Lisa”- you’re awesome for being such a loving person. A lot of people are not willing to do what you’re going to do for your niece, and you put them to shame with your generosity and open heart.
Ashley, whatever you do, be proud in your decisions; rely on yourself, your logic, and your family, who obviously have your back.

By: Ashley Salazar

Ashley Salazar — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 03:51:57 +0000

You tell them, aunt lisa (;

I love you guys, too.

By: Ashley Salazar

Ashley Salazar — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 03:51:43 +0000

By: clare

clare — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 01:59:23 +0000

Ashley, please do reconsider your decision. Adoption is a lifelong process. I’ve read about many (maybe most) mothers who gave their children up to adoption who now say they wish they hadn’t. It has influenced their whole lives.

Please, for the child’s sake, at least read “The Primal Wound: Legacy of the Adopted Child”. Please. It will give you some insight into the child’s perspective on adoption. I am an adoptee who had loving adoptive parents. But having that doesn’t take away the pain of being adopted. Please at least read The Primal Wound. Its available online and you can just google it.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 01:43:30 +0000

Well said, Lisa! What a blessing for Ashley to have such a wonderful aunt who will support her through out all of this! And I’m happy, too, that Ashley is making her OWN decision and not changing it because of what others say.(Ashley’s baby will certainly be loved from all sides!!) I’d also like to add that I don’t like the term “real mother”. I prefer “biological mother” and “adoptive mother”, because it’s not fair for the adoptive parent(s) to be labeled “fake” when they’ve opened up their home to a child! I think that’s important to keep in mind.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:34:02 +0000

As the adoptive mother I would like to comment. Ashley is free to do what she feels is best for her and her baby. We heard that Ashley was putting the baby up for adoption but that she would like for the baby to stay in the family, so we prayed about it and felt like we could open our family up to a third child. I feel like I can parent knowing that Ashley will always have a relationship or connection with this baby girl. I would never want to deny Ashley or her daughter what I’m sure they need from each other.
That being said Ashley is still free to change her mind and be a 24/7 parent for her child. We are in no way telling her that our lives would not be complete without the baby. I am happy with my two children and with the way that our lives are right now. I will also be happy with a new addition to our family.
Because Ashley cannot predict what the future holds she is basing her decision on all the information that she has now. She knows what she has been through as a child born to a single teenage mother. She knows us now, not in the future. She knows herself now, not in the future. It is a difficult decision, and we will support it no matter what it is. We love Ashley.
When I think about raising a child that has been placed with me by her mother I feel honored. I pray that God will be with me to raise the little girl that is ultimately His to the best of my ability.

By: rox

rox — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:57:11 +0000

Ok Ashley, well I wish you best. I’m glad you won’t feel pain. My daughters adoptive parents had been married 20 years, and were very stable. They owned a beautiful home, were friendly and kind, and really genuinely did not carry any signs of being capable of divorcing.

It really can happen to any couple. But I certainly hope it doesn’t happy for your aunt and uncle. Just so you don’t consider a “two parent home” as the hugest factor in your placement, because divorce happens even in strong happy marriages where you don’t think it would. I can send you to a lot of adoptive parent blogs where the adoptive parents divorced after they placed, and never thought it would happen to them.

But as long as you have more reasons than that, even if divorce does happen, you can still be at peace if you know that they are both individually more stable than you.

By: Ashley Salazar

Ashley Salazar — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:23:58 +0000

Well, thank you. I won’t necessarily have pain, though. I might feel sad, but I won’t feel “PAIN.”

I’m sorry you/your mother have to experience that, but like I said before, we are all very different people.

And the example of that adoptive family that got ripped apart, I don’t have to worry about. I really don’t. Like you said, you don’t know my situation and I really can’t explain it to make anybody that already has a solid opinion that stands firm, understand me. I also don’t have to worry about strangers, though. I dont think my aunt and uncle who have been together since they were 15, have a very stable household, self run businesses, wonderful kids, etc, will end up torn and dysfunctional. If they have any type of dysfunction, it is something a normal family would have. A dysfunction I WOULD HAVE, because I am in this family. Nothing serious. Most of all, if something tragic happened to them, I know who the baby would be going to. We are all a close family.

Sorry again that you feel this way!

By: rox

rox — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:15:10 +0000

Ashley, just so you know, I do not believe that you deserve ANY harsh comments right now. Please now that anything I said is because I know how much pain my biological mother went through, know that I actually did have issues with being adopted, and how much pain I went through placing my daughter. I want to save you from that pain! I do understand that it isn’t possible to save everyone from adoption loss. Adoption exists so that when a mom really can’t do it, someone else can provide the love and family that can’t be provided by the mom.

If you decide to place, you will never hear a disparaging comment from me, after all I have also placed! And it’s true, only YOU know if you can do it. I was really scared when I decided to place and I had a lot of people adding to my own insecurities by saying a lot of things about how good adoption is and how bad single parenting is.

I have no idea what factors are going on for you, but I have dealt with emotional ups and downs and it can be very overwhelming. I do believe that you can do it, even if you are experiencing overwhelming emotions, and I just want you to know as an adoptee, as the child of a mother who went through something very similar to what you have (she had severe mental health problems and had recently quit drugs and alcohol and was living in foster care for many of her teen years, so it was bad!)

Many of us would be happy to stay with our biomoms, even if it wouldn’t be perfect. It’s ok if you aren’t perfect. You can still be a good mom, even if you aren’t perfect. And the offer still stand, if you want anyone to talk to, at all, please don’t hesitate to talk to me. When my daughters aparents adopted they both said their marriage was wonderful, they were obviously wonderful people, both settled in careers, succesful, kind and dedicated parents. They liked montessori, and seemed interested in holistic health. I was so excited.

But it turns out as years go by, they have used spanking, their marriage disintegrated with the strain of adoption, they never persued montessori for my daughter, the adoptive mom is a smoker, the adoptive mom fed them frozen junk food and mcdonals for years, and there was nothing I could do. I was so powerless.

It’s such a terrible feeling and to know that many of those things, I would have done differently. You may know that the place you’re in is worse than anything like that. But you won’t be able to protect your child if things start to go badly.

That is such a horrible thing to go through, and it can happen even when the adoptive parents are wonderful people before the adoption. I jsut want you to know, you might be better at loving than you think you are. After all, aren’t you willing to make the most ultimate sacrafice there is to give your child a better life?

To me that tells me that you are in fact exactly the kind of person who could be a wonderful mother. If you would like help finding out about emotional support for mental and emotional issues, help putting together all your childs needs, and brainstorm ways to give your child all the amazing things you dream of while your child is with you, please, please let me know.

I am sorry some of the comments you’ve gotten have come accross as being so harsh and judgmental. I believe you that you have real concerns about your ability to parent and what you have to offer. I would also love to help you find solutions to those concerns, because I believe more may be possible than you know.

My friend who placed two years ago saw all the signs of a really loving happy marriage in the adoptive parents. They were gently and kind with each other and had been married for a long time. They had succesful careers and are wonderful people. There was no sign they would be entering into divorce right now.

It can happen even with people who demonstrate that it seems impossible.
I am thinking of you.