No offense, but come back and talk about how healed you are down the road. In 4 months, I guarantee you did not complete your healing or your working through the emotions and pains of surrendering a child. In a years time, you don’t yet have the chops to talk about how much better it gets.

As noted above by other first mothers, the pain remains, even into that child’s adulthood, and even from otherwise ‘well-adjusted’ first moms.

I’ve now been a first mom for 16 years, and it actually began to slowly get much worse after about 12-13, reaching (what is thus far) a crescendo in the last year or two.

After a year, I too would have said that I had healed and was at peace with my decision. 16 years later, I am often times crushed by the pain of what I did both to my child, and to myself.

Almost exactly 2 years ago, I posted this on my blog as an open letter to another young mother who was in a very similar situation as you are.

Rather than write a long post here in your comments, I’d just like to invite you to read it, think it over, and contact me if you need someone to talk to.

Thinking of you.

http://cocokrispybeans.wordpress.com/2007/12/18/dear-april/

I think you can mostly understand what I wrote.

Roxanne in MN

I don’t think you have to make a decision now. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to rush this. Ashley, this is a life altering decision for you and your baby.

Please, please be kind and gentle and loving to yourself and to your daughter and take all the time you need. But not rushing you would be doing the most loving thing for your child and yourself.

It sounds like you are very aware of the mother/child bond that exists between you and your daughter. You are a very good mother and YES you are your child’s mother. You have clearly have very strong maternal instincts. That is good!

The negative side of those maternal instincts is what I think is causes some mothers to rush to prebirth ,matching surrender and adoption because they feel unprepared to mother their chid and they need for their child cared for and protected NOW! It is how mothers are hard wired.

I think that if adoption really is the “right” ( and I hesitate to use such an absolute word as “right”) decision for you and your daughter it will be the right decision 7 or 11 or even 16 months from now. And you may think, “How could ever I surrender my rights after having her with me for months??”

Yes, it would be absolutely excruciating to surrender your baby then, but is it not excruciating now? Just thinking about not being her everyday mother is probably excruciating, no?

I am thirty years+ a “birth mother” Ashley. And it is excruciating, still, to know that my son calls another woman Mom and so painful that she was that one to teach him how to see the world and most importantly how to see himself know his place in this world. It is excruciating that he would not travel here for the holidays, but to his mother and father who raised him. d

I know this for myself. My experience is this: I know that with the energy and emotions I have used, and still expend today, in dealing with the surrender and loss of my son to adoption, I could have raised him, my 4 other sons and say…about 2 more children, as well.

What I am saying Ashley, is please, please, please take your time. You are still recovering from childbirth. Something that can take months.wa

When my first child was born, I was 19 and unmarried and I remember the confusion and the panic. And yes that relief I felt after a “decision” for adoption was made.

But in retrospect, part of it was that I was tired of the drama around me.

And I fully agree, any man interested in you is not worthy if he doesn’t accept your child as part of you.

So I hope you hold of on making any adoption plan. Hope that you hold her in her arms, ask for lots of help in caring for her. And if you pray, I hope you just keep praying while you hold her.

These are my thoughts. All good thoughts to you, Ashley.

Roxanne in MN

p.s. could fix any typos today as omputer is slow

A year ago Dec. 10 I put my son up for adoption for many reasons, that I won’t go into, but some were the same.

I didn’t question if I did the right thing until it was too late to do anything about it. And I think I started questioning because I was just deeply depressed by the whole ordeal. You know what the right choice is, and only you can make it. I will tell you that if you do adoption, it gets easier. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for having good days. She would want you to be happy. She might be angry with you later, but I think once she gets passed that she’ll realize that what you did was for her, and not yourself. I never once thought while thinking about adoption that I’d be able to go back to school and move on with my life, or better myself. It was all about him and how I could barely take care of my needs and provide for me, that I knew bringing a baby into my world would not be good. It wasn’t until after that I realized that I would be able to do things I wouldn’t have been able to do with a child. And even when that dawned on me, I felt so guilty for thinking that. I’m living proof that life goes on after placing a child for adoption. I’m newly married and living in Hawaii and going to finish my degree at some point. It took me a good 4 months to heal, and I did chck myself into a local mental hospital for treatment, amd it helped me work through all the emotions and pain.

Just keep in mind that your first priority is your daughter and what is best for her. Parenting is a big responsiblilty and if you don’t think you’re ready,then you aren’t ready. And adoption is the most selfless thing you can do for your child.

My email is on my blog, email me if you need to talk things out.

Just because you were selfless enough to consider doing WHATEVER THE BEST OPTION IS, it doesn’t mean that adoption has to be the right decision.

I wish you much love Ashley. Really. I know this is such a hard time and it’s so hard to know what is REALLY best for your daughter. But the more research I’ve done into the experience of other adoptees and my own experience as an adoptee, I have realized the best way to resolve the complex emotional issues adoptees go through is to prevent the adoption in the first place.

Adoption isn’t necessarily a free ride for your daughter. It will have ups and downs and painful emotional experiences just like being with a single mom would.

so I still think you should listen to what your heart tells you YOU want. Do you want to spend Christmas with your baby? do you want her in your arms every night?

Because if the answer is yes, it just very well might be mutually beneficial for you both. I am a single parent and I would be happy to brainstorm some ideas with you that might help prevent you from feeling like you “don’t get to spend that much time with your daughter”.

I agree that this should be about what is best for your daughter, I just think that it doesn’t automatically mean adoption. On paper adoption sounds good. Two parent home vs one parent home. But then there is the reality that there is a baby who is made out of mother. A connection that will last longer than you could imagine. An ache that will go on.

Adoption can be necessary despite that adoptees have issues with being adopted. But if two lives can be spared that level of separation, then it’s a good thing.

I certainly don’t have the answer for you at all. But I know that adoption is really different than the media and adoption agencies present it.

I don’t think your daughter needs to be separated from you. You love her so much. I truly believe that you are a candidate to be an amazing mother. And it’s because you are willing to do everything in your power, as painful as it may be for your daughter, that I think in fact, you may be the very best person for your daughter. That kind of love in a parent is rarer than you think.