So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough
But this love is ours
This is going to be a post with loads of information.
First of all, I am sorry that I haven’t done a blog post in a month! I think that is the longest I have gone since 2010. I have been so overwhelmed with school, I hardly have time for anything else. I am taking 16 hours this semester: 5 classes and a lab. I guess you could say that my days get extremely stressful at times, and that is an UNDERSTATEMENT. There is a lot I’d like to do, but I don’t have time to. I also am trying to find another job just to make some extra cash. I definitely don’t have the cheapest taste in things, unfortunately. I guess we will see how that works out – a job, school, and life, I mean.
Anyway, It’s about 1:45AM and I can’t sleep! I am in the middle of a visit with Callie. I have never been happier than I am when I am with her. She is growing up so fast. She is so big and so smart! Her newest milestone: going potty! She is basically potty trained. She is so awesome and has the most amazing sense of humor. I could really, truly go on for days about her. I really feel so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be here for her for nearly everything. I feel like in some sort of way I can get the experience of both adoption and not exactly parenting, but playing an active role in her life. The little time that I do have her, though, I am not going to lie, gets hard. I love it, though. And it’s fun. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but 2 year olds are a lot of work.
Everywhere we go now, she has to “peepee” as soon as we get there. As soon as I get her pants down and toilet paper the whole toilet she says, “no peepee.” Haha! All I can really do is laugh. She’s silly, but it is hard to drop what you are doing and everything in your hands to take her! And of course, following her everywhere. Thank God I have nothing else going on and I can focus on her 24/7. But then again, I am really cautious with her. I don’t want her getting hurt, obviously. I’m probably over cautious. Actually, I am sure I am. I’m not strict at all, but I am very cautious, lol. If that makes any sense. . . At all.
Callie is also doing this thing where if someone says no, she asks someone else. She does it to me, a lot, and I hope she doesn’t continue, but I can’t tell her no! ; ) I do “discipline” her when necessary, but I feel like I want to give her everything she wants! I just want to see her happy. I really am just happy that I can see that she is taken care of, loved, and has everything she needs. I went to the toy store to get her something and couldn’t find anything. I did find a Dora the Explorer doll that was kind of cute, but decided not to get it. Good thing, because she has it already! It kind of made me happy, though. You know, the fact that she has it all.
Next, as most of you all know, yes. I am back together with Callie’s father, Justin. I don’t know why. I honestly wasn’t planning on it. I really wasn’t. I just lived my life and went wherever it or God, whatever you want to say, took me. It just happened. Jordan and I broke up a couple of months ago for our own personal reasons, aside from whatever anybody else THINKS it was. It was really hard on me, yes. He helped me through an extremely rough time in my life and was a really good friend to me. We don’t talk right now, but I do thank him and his family for being there for me. I really do. I have told them, but I want to say it here as well. They treated me like family and that was really meaningful. I don’t want to go into much detail or say anything else, but that is what happened there.
Now, Justin. I care about him so much. It was a hard decision and I kept him waiting a while. I even went through a short time where I told him that I could not talk to him because I was still unsure and also I felt bad about the previous break up that I was going through. That hurt him, and I apologize, but like I said, I wasn’t planning on us getting back together. I feel bad because all I would talk about was the break up I was going through. I don’t know, but he was there for me. People think that I did this on a whim, without thinking. Not true. I thought about it a lot. More than a lot of things I think through. It wasn’t out of spite, or for attention, or because he made me feel closer to Callie. It was for me and it was for him. We just came together, like it was meant to be right now. He makes me laugh every single second of every single day and that is such a big deal to me, laughter is. I can have my stupid sense of humor, and he will laugh at it. Or not…then laugh anyway. :)
My family doesn’t approve at the moment. I don’t even know if I have financial support from them anymore, totally. But, I can see why and so can he. Sometimes I get really insecure, but I have to remind myself that relationships never last like that. When you are in one, you need to be all in. 100%. One thing that does bug me, though, is that when my family or people in general say that I am with him for Callie. 1. Of course I would like her to see us together in the long term, but…2. we aren’t raising her. It would be different if we were 3. Being with him actually makes it harder. I see a lot of her in him, so it is hard to see and to be with someone I wasn’t with when I had her. I have to control my thoughts that things are best the way they are right now. So, no, it definitely does not totally have to do with that. That bond between us is there. It always will be. It only adds to our relationship and strength together. That’s it. I am with him for him and for me. Oh, and last but not least, NO. I am not going to get pregnant unintentionally or INTENTIONALLY. Everyone privately and publicly seem to think that. Well, it’s not true. That would be the most stupid and unfair thing I could ever do! To our families, to myself, to him, to the CHILD, and to Callie, most of all. It just is not going to happen. It isn’t.
Justin is making a complete effort, though. He is making a life for himself and doing what he can. I feel like I barely see him because he is always working. I have never seen him or ANYONE take this much initiative to do anything and I am honestly very pleasantly surprised. I am proud of him. Yes, it is hard for me to accept and forget the past, but I feel like it’s just something I need to do. Everyone deserves a second chance. I would want it.
This upcoming series of statements are going to be one of the most controversial ones I could probably make. I don’t know how to explain it with Justin. I feel like I can be adventurous and fun around him. I feel like he brings out the best in me, at times. I can tell he cares. Three years ago when Callie was conceived, as sad as I am to say this, it was not out of love, as it usually is not with teen pregnancies. We were not in love. I feel like this time, we are doing it right. There are so many feelings I have never experienced before with Justin, as stupid as that sounds. I haven’t experienced them with him or anybody else. They are new to me. It’s different with us. This seems small, but it means a lot to me: Justin is the first guy to ever get me roses. He even remembered in small talk that I said I loved pink roses versus red. For Valentines Day I was surprised with some pink roses and a nice dinner out. I don’t think I’ve actually felt so nervous for a “date” in a long time either. I can be myself around him, yet he still makes me nervous and gives me butterflies, I guess. Corny, I know. But it’s true. Just everything about Justin, I love. Even the things that get on my nerves ; ) Just kidding. I love being at his house and hanging out with friends and “family.” It just feels right this time.
Seeing Justin turn his life around makes me so proud and I tell him all of the time. He is a good son to his mom, friend, and boyfriend / friend to me. He treats me perfectly, but is not afraid to tell me what I need to hear whether I like it or not and he is usually right. I feel like his choices that he makes are better than mine sometimes. I have never tried so hard to go about a relationship the right way. With him, I have so much fun and I’ve never felt so right. If people could just see how much we care about each other and how this time it is real between us, both. I don’t know. Now I am just rambling.
I am happy. I am sad that I might have possibly disappointed my family, but we are family and we still love each other. Like I said, my insecurities could eat me alive sometimes, but I am working through it all.
Anyway, I am doing better than I have in a while. I am doing good with my feelings towards the adoption. I am looking at the positive side of things and at how happy my baby girl is! I have been having so much fun with friends, etc. I am doing good in school…I think (just kidding) and I am going to therapy once every week or every other week. (sorry mom…lol $) I am also getting along a million times better and building a stronger relationship with my mom. I am also working on my faith and I pray as much as I can remember to. For once in a very, very long time, I feel almost together. I feel empowered. No one can take that away from me. I don’t know what it is, I really don’t…
But I like it.
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