“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I need help. I don’t even enjoy writing anymore. I don’t even know why. I feel like it’s useless and writing doesn’t even help anymore. I’m not even good at it. Not anymore.
I am happy with my life at the moment, but I feel like I am missing something and I don’t know what it is. I feel like when I am sad or upset, I find something to be upset about, but when I dig deep down within myself, I think it’s about Callie. I lost my main source of income, and I can’t afford the counseling that I was getting. Justin says I need help, and I know. I do need help because he isn’t the only one that is saying it. I really am a lot better with the situation, especially with Justin there to help me, but I really do feel like a huge piece of me is just missing. I would love to have Callie running around here every day.
I am scared, because this sadness is pushing itself onto something else such as my weight, insecurities, body image, stress, school, or anything else that I am “unhappy about” every single day. I am scared because whatever the sadness pushes itself onto is affecting everyone around me and pushing them away. Justin and I have been arguing, and I don’t even know why. Probably because he thinks I’m not happy and it hurts so much to not be able to make the one happy. I am sure he feels it and i know I definitely feel that way about him.
I want to get better and I want to be happier. I am so insecure with myself. I just feel like I can’t be 100% confident with my body and who I am or what I have. I am always striving for perfection and the next best thing. I want to be happy again. I mean, like I have said before, I am happy with what I have now. I love Justin. I am blessed to be in school and living in a nice place. I don’t know what it is.
I think the time I was happiest in my life was when I was pregnant had Callie. It was stressful, but I was still happy. I would bounce back from the sadness and knew that I had something there that was so absolutely perfect and beautiful. Why can’t I do that now? I have no idea. I want to. I try to. I felt so complete and she turned my life into something that it was never going to be without her. Everything I am doing, that I do not want to do is for her. I’m sure she would want to see me happy too, and I know she would want to see Justin and I together as well. I love him and I do not want to ruin what we have either. Please, help me. Pray for me. Anything. I want to be secure in myself and who I am. I don’t want to get mad over things that aren’t worth getting mad about. I want to control my temper and my actions and my thought process. At least I can recognize it, and the next step is just fixing it.
I am so happy when I get to Skype Callie. She always turns my mood around. She is so beautiful, smart, and big. She has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen in my life, especially from a baby. I love seeing her happy. I do. A part of me just feels like I could be the one making her happy. Who wouldn’t? It still kills me to not be able to see her every day. I think about her every single day and I pray for her all of the time. Sometimes when I think of her, I cry, and other times I just smile, or brush the thought off all together. My mom told me that it would get easier as time goes on. A lot of people have said that. In a way it is, but in a way, every day it gets harder. It really does. I just want to be okay with the things I cannot change. I want to be 100% happy again.