I responded to everybody’s comment. It kind of got jumbled with the comments page, so here you go!
You should not abandon your child to the adoption industry. Figure out a way to make it work. You chose to bring a child into this world, now do your job and be a mother. Don’t be an abandoner, your child will grow up to hate you.
You should not abandon your child to the adoption industry. Figure out a way to make it work. You chose to bring a child into this world, now do your job and be a mother. Don’t be an abandoner, your child will grow up to hate you.
I’m glad that your feeling better, it sucks that you had to go through all that though.
I give you props for your decision and sticking to it. Screw what anyone else says, its your life. You are a very very strong person.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot
This is your decision if you want to give your baby up or not, not anyone else! don’t let them try to put you down. if you think this is what is best for you then go for it!
Thank you! Appreciate it!
As an adult adoptee, in reunion with my natural family, I can tell you that I beg to differ with you as well.
Everyone has to make their own decisions, I do understand that, but I feel that it’s better for a child to grow up with their natural families (grandmother, aunts, uncles..and yes even the father’s family) rather than to grow up with strangers.
I’m not sure how to respond to this, what you meant. My aunt and uncle are adopting the baby. But, I agree…because that will be the case.
Unfortunately, even if you feel very confident right now, there will likely be many regrets down the road. This isn’t a decision that you can get a do-over on.
I made this decision 15 years ago, and my reasons were ‘good’ ones and I felt like I knew it was the right decision, but looking back, it really wasn’t. All of the things that made me decide that adoption was the best answer were all short term issues.
I COULD have gotten through it and parented my child. I could have. Nobody ever told me that.
Now I’m here 15 years later dealing with a pain so intense that I cannot breathe some days because of the enormity of my error and knowing that there is absolutely no way whatsoever to make this right for myself OR my child. It’s too late.
Please, don’t do this to your little girl. Give her the gift of her mother. HER mother, not a fill-in or substitute mother, but her own. It’s not too late NOW to do the right thing.
Good luck to you both.
Thank you for not being harsh and “looking out,” but I have been given options and the truth of what I can / can’t do, and even if I could parent this child, it is not the decision I feel is best. Everybody has a different experience, though. And some people take it differently than others do.
Hi. I found your blog and want to share my experience with you, for whatever it is worth.
I surrendered my son to adoption in the mid 70’s. That is a long time ago, I realize and I think that you will probably feel that my experience is not relative to your situation.
I loved my baby and wanted him, but had a zero amount of help and was coerced into signing the termination of parental right papers.
I did go on to complete college after my son was born and surrendered to an adoption agency. I even when on to complete a master’s degree, as I was driven for a focus after my son was gone from me.
My hindsight persepctive now? I would gladly, willingly, HAPPILY give up my master’s for the chance to have raised my precious son.
I truely believe that I would have been able to raise him and complete my Bachelor’s Degree.?It would have taken longer, but I would have done it and even had the luxury of time to figure out my real passion is and would not be more or less stuck in the degrees and profession that I have now.
Take your time. Adoption is Permanent. Adoption is life altering act that will affect you and your child forever.
I hope that you take all the time you need for you and your child before you do anything that you cannot undo.
You deserve it. Your child deserves it.?All good thoughts for a safe, easy birth of your baby.
Thank you very much. I will.
Hi ashley. I placed a child for adoption 8 years ago when I was 18 years old. It was definitely the hardest thing I ever did. I was very conflicted about it, but I knew that whatever was best for my daughter was the RIGHT choice and no matter how hard it was, that was the choice I was going to make. I’m also adopted. I knew that my life had not been perfect. There was a bad relationship with my adoptive parents and I tended to be the scapegoat for the families problems. I was really worried about how the separation would affect my daughter. It mattered a lot to me. I lost my mother the day I was born and I didn’t want her to loose her mom too. When I met my biological family I understood so many things about myself. It was so healing. My daughter is now sad that she can’t live with me. She told me when she was five, “Why did you place me? You don’t need a house or money or a husband to be a good mom.”
Her adoptive parents divorced when she was two. She has lived most of the time in an apartment. Her adoptive mother has been on WIC and food stamps.
And guess what. My daughter’s right. She has a mother who loves her more than anything. That is more important than money, or a big house, or even a marriage. Now really, I understand that right now you are really overwhelmed and these adoptive seem WAY better than you on EVERY level. But remember, you have something that matters. You have his/her traits. You may have your childs smile. You might know what it means to struggle in ways the aparents don’t understand. Your child might not function the same as the aparents. It might not actually be better.
Studies have shown that single parent homes with a dedicated, consistant, stable environment are about the same as far as outcomes for kids. Studies can show whatever you want. Do you want your child? It may be possible that you can BOTH give your child the world and keep your child with you. Being willing to do anything for your child doesn’t mean that destroying rourself is better for your child. Your child will have to live with thinking about how you’ve suffered.
I’m adopted and I know I did. If you need any support let me know. The last person I watched place believed exactly the same thing you do right now about adoption. I didn’t give them any warning and said nothing. The biomom had to be hospitalized after placing. Now two years later, the adoptive parents are in the process of divorcing.
If you need help getting the resources to keep your child, or to talk about your fears about your emotional ability to parent, please, please don’t hesitate to contact me. DO NOT be afraid to change your mind. At all. In fact don’t be afraid to consider that keeping might be emotionally the best thing for your baby, who already feels your heart beat, knows the sound of your voice, and wants YOU, more than strangers.
I said all the same things you are saying. I believed all the same things. Eight years of research after wards have lead to a different conclusion.
Well, my aunt and uncle are going to adopt her. They are FAR from being on food stamps and being divorced. I posted something about it before. Check it out, maybe a page back.
Thanks for the actual research and facts, unlike many who just throw hateful words at me with no reasoning whatsoever.
There are many factors, but nobody really knows WHO I am or what problems I have. I am not going to go into detail, but I can just say that I am not emotionally capable to handle a baby, and she will suffer along with me.
Thank you, though. I really do appreciate it.
I guess that if you have made up your mind to give your baby up for adoption there is little that can change that. I’m hoping the fact that you wrote here that someone told you that you were making the wrong decision means that you at least listened to that person, maybe you just didn’t completely hear them. I just want to tell you that I am adopted and as awesome as my adoptive parents might be, nothing could replace my real mother and the love that she could and should have given me. She has spent her whole life regretting her decision, as have many natural mothers that I know – giving your child up is not a short term solution, it will be with you for life. I didn’t really understand what my real mother lost when she gave me up until my son was born last year – nothing can prepare you for the bonding experience of birth and seeing that little person for the first time. I just want to tell you that it is never too late, you can always change your mind, and please, please keep an open mind until after your baby is born as you may well feel different.
Yes, I “listened” to the person, but I’ve “listened” to many people. It may have swayed my decision at first, but this is what I am going to do and have decided to do. I am glad your adoptive parents are awesome! I’m sorry though that your mother or what ever other mother regrets their decision. That is very sad for them. I also know many that have great experiences, though! Thank you for letting me know I can change my mind, I am well aware. I just know it is best if I don’t.
Ashley, can your aunt and uncle help take care of you and your baby, rather than adopting your baby?
It can’t work that way, and thats the exact opposite of what I wanted. Thanks for the suggestion, though.
ALSO, CHECK OUT MY NEW “TRUTH” PAGE. CLICK HERE
You can leave whatever you want, and i will make SURE to respond to it, strictly on that page. Everything WILL remain anonymous, which is why it is labeled as private.
Ashley, just so you know, I do not believe that you deserve ANY harsh comments right now. Please now that anything I said is because I know how much pain my biological mother went through, know that I actually did have issues with being adopted, and how much pain I went through placing my daughter. I want to save you from that pain! I do understand that it isn’t possible to save everyone from adoption loss. Adoption exists so that when a mom really can’t do it, someone else can provide the love and family that can’t be provided by the mom.
If you decide to place, you will never hear a disparaging comment from me, after all I have also placed! And it’s true, only YOU know if you can do it. I was really scared when I decided to place and I had a lot of people adding to my own insecurities by saying a lot of things about how good adoption is and how bad single parenting is.
I have no idea what factors are going on for you, but I have dealt with emotional ups and downs and it can be very overwhelming. I do believe that you can do it, even if you are experiencing overwhelming emotions, and I just want you to know as an adoptee, as the child of a mother who went through something very similar to what you have (she had severe mental health problems and had recently quit drugs and alcohol and was living in foster care for many of her teen years, so it was bad!)
Many of us would be happy to stay with our biomoms, even if it wouldn’t be perfect. It’s ok if you aren’t perfect. You can still be a good mom, even if you aren’t perfect. And the offer still stand, if you want anyone to talk to, at all, please don’t hesitate to talk to me. When my daughters aparents adopted they both said their marriage was wonderful, they were obviously wonderful people, both settled in careers, succesful, kind and dedicated parents. They liked montessori, and seemed interested in holistic health. I was so excited.
But it turns out as years go by, they have used spanking, their marriage disintegrated with the strain of adoption, they never persued montessori for my daughter, the adoptive mom is a smoker, the adoptive mom fed them frozen junk food and mcdonals for years, and there was nothing I could do. I was so powerless.
It’s such a terrible feeling and to know that many of those things, I would have done differently. You may know that the place you’re in is worse than anything like that. But you won’t be able to protect your child if things start to go badly.
That is such a horrible thing to go through, and it can happen even when the adoptive parents are wonderful people before the adoption. I jsut want you to know, you might be better at loving than you think you are. After all, aren’t you willing to make the most ultimate sacrafice there is to give your child a better life?
To me that tells me that you are in fact exactly the kind of person who could be a wonderful mother. If you would like help finding out about emotional support for mental and emotional issues, help putting together all your childs needs, and brainstorm ways to give your child all the amazing things you dream of while your child is with you, please, please let me know.
I am sorry some of the comments you’ve gotten have come accross as being so harsh and judgmental. I believe you that you have real concerns about your ability to parent and what you have to offer. I would also love to help you find solutions to those concerns, because I believe more may be possible than you know.
My friend who placed two years ago saw all the signs of a really loving happy marriage in the adoptive parents. They were gently and kind with each other and had been married for a long time. They had succesful careers and are wonderful people. There was no sign they would be entering into divorce right now.
It can happen even with people who demonstrate that it seems impossible.
I am thinking of you.
Well, thank you. I won’t necessarily have pain, though. I might feel sad, but I won’t feel “PAIN.”
I’m sorry you/your mother have to experience that, but like I said before, we are all very different people.
And the example of that adoptive family that got ripped apart, I don’t have to worry about. I really don’t. Like you said, you don’t know my situation and I really can’t explain it to make anybody that already has a solid opinion that stands firm, understand me. I also don’t have to worry about strangers, though. I dont think my aunt and uncle who have been together since they were 15, have a very stable household, self run businesses, wonderful kids, etc, will end up torn and dysfunctional. If they have any type of dysfunction, it is something a normal family would have. A dysfunction I WOULD HAVE, because I am in this family. Nothing serious. Most of all, if something tragic happened to them, I know who the baby would be going to. We are all a close family.
Sorry again that you feel this way!
Ok Ashley, well I wish you best. I’m glad you won’t feel pain. My daughters adoptive parents had been married 20 years, and were very stable. They owned a beautiful home, were friendly and kind, and really genuinely did not carry any signs of being capable of divorcing.
It really can happen to any couple. But I certainly hope it doesn’t happy for your aunt and uncle. Just so you don’t consider a “two parent home” as the hugest factor in your placement, because divorce happens even in strong happy marriages where you don’t think it would. I can send you to a lot of adoptive parent blogs where the adoptive parents divorced after they placed, and never thought it would happen to them.
But as long as you have more reasons than that, even if divorce does happen, you can still be at peace if you know that they are both individually more stable than you.
As the adoptive mother I would like to comment. Ashley is free to do what she feels is best for her and her baby. We heard that Ashley was putting the baby up for adoption but that she would like for the baby to stay in the family, so we prayed about it and felt like we could open our family up to a third child. I feel like I can parent knowing that Ashley will always have a relationship or connection with this baby girl. I would never want to deny Ashley or her daughter what I’m sure they need from each other.
That being said Ashley is still free to change her mind and be a 24/7 parent for her child. We are in no way telling her that our lives would not be complete without the baby. I am happy with my two children and with the way that our lives are right now. I will also be happy with a new addition to our family.
Because Ashley cannot predict what the future holds she is basing her decision on all the information that she has now. She knows what she has been through as a child born to a single teenage mother. She knows us now, not in the future. She knows herself now, not in the future. It is a difficult decision, and we will support it no matter what it is. We love Ashley.
When I think about raising a child that has been placed with me by her mother I feel honored. I pray that God will be with me to raise the little girl that is ultimately His to the best of my ability.
Well said, Lisa! What a blessing for Ashley to have such a wonderful aunt who will support her through out all of this! And I’m happy, too, that Ashley is making her OWN decision and not changing it because of what others say.(Ashley’s baby will certainly be loved from all sides!!) I’d also like to add that I don’t like the term “real mother”. I prefer “biological mother” and “adoptive mother”, because it’s not fair for the adoptive parent(s) to be labeled “fake” when they’ve opened up their home to a child! I think that’s important to keep in mind.
Ashley, please do reconsider your decision. Adoption is a lifelong process. I’ve read about many (maybe most) mothers who gave their children up to adoption who now say they wish they hadn’t. It has influenced their whole lives.
Please, for the child’s sake, at least read “The Primal Wound: Legacy of the Adopted Child”. Please. It will give you some insight into the child’s perspective on adoption. I am an adoptee who had loving adoptive parents. But having that doesn’t take away the pain of being adopted. Please at least read The Primal Wound. Its available online and you can just google it.
(:
You tell them, aunt lisa (;
I love you guys, too.
If you know that you can’t adequately take care of your child and see adoption as the best choice for the both of you, I don’t think your regret will be substantial. Instead, I think you should be proud for not only making a tough, unselfish choice but working with your situation and being able to keep your daughter in your family. “Aunt Lisa”- you’re awesome for being such a loving person. A lot of people are not willing to do what you’re going to do for your niece, and you put them to shame with your generosity and open heart.
Ashley, whatever you do, be proud in your decisions; rely on yourself, your logic, and your family, who obviously have your back.
Thanks, so much.