For adoption, legally, you can’t sign the papers for 48 hours. I don’t think it’s literally 48, though. For example, my baby was born at 6:48 PM December 16th. I don’t think I had to wait until 6:48 PM December 18th. I think it’s just when they release you from the hospital, typically that afternoon two days later. I stayed in the hospital and waited until that evening to be released and decide.
People were right, after seeing your child born everything changes. I don’t know how many times i went back and forth with my decision. I was angry, sad, upset, confused, happy, and confident about things all at the same time. I would take it on people that I didn’t even need to be angry at. I really don’t know how to change from one subject to another or organize this but while I was in the hospital, I didn’t stick to one emotion for more than an hour or so. I was exhausted and half the time I didn’t know what I was saying or doing. I wanted to do EVERYTHING for myself when it came to the baby. I was so angry at everyone when the nurses had to take her the night she was born because of a risk of choking. We would have to stay up ALL night without falling asleep to make sure she wasn’t choking, since that was a risk for babies in the first 24 hours. I seriously tried so hard, and I couldn’t. I got maybe a couple hours of sleep that night.
The next day, I really couldn’t do much, since i didn’t know anything. My mom did most of it, and it really made me sad that I didn’t know anything. That following night though, I stayed up until about 3 or 4 something doing anything i could to keep an eye on the baby and feed her every three hours. It was finally until the nurse gave me some pain medicine that i couldn’t help falling asleep, and the baby’s nurse had to do another check up on her, so i let her take her. I maybe woke up at like 6 or 7, exhausted and continued to feed and take care of the baby. I felt lke I was actually LEARNING something, because i did it with no help or anything. I even liked it. I guess I was getting more attached.
I continued to want to do EVERYTHING by myself and I did, most of the time. I felt like if someone else did it, i was being useless, or something. I didn’t want that last day to go by and I stayed as long as I could. I really felt like I was going to keep the baby, but something was telling me it was just my emotions and it really wasnt best for her. I stayed in the hospital as long as I could so i could prolong the decision i was about to have to make. Seeing my aunt and uncle really helped, at one point, to reassure me we were both very much loved and that this was the right decision.
I really changed my mind a million times after. I talked with the doctor, the nurses, and then I finally had to sit down with my mom and talk about what I really had to do. She was super attached too, and said she’d support anything that I did. We went over everything, and exactly how my life was and hers would be just like mine. I honestly could have had it better. It wasn’t horrible but I wish that things had gone better. And her relationship would be specifically how mine was with my mom. just like my grandparents helped to raise me a LOT she would help raise the baby a lot and it caused tension between everybody about who was the “real parent.” And her father isn’t in the best place right now for her to know him. I really don’t know what else to say. I’ve listed why i’ve wanted to do it, and thats what my mom and i discussed, how it would be if i raised her, and how it would be if they raised her. She wouldnt be terrible with me, but the ideal and happiest life would be with them. It just kind of sucks.
I had so many break downs before and then signing the papers. I seriously couldn’t see anything from my few hours of sleep in 48 hours and when I started crying It made the vision worse and i’m glad it did, because the few words I did see on the paper were “forever terminate my rights to the child…” It just felt awful. I did see Justin’s name on it though, which helped me through the signing. I figured that if he did it, I could too. I feel a lot more emotion than he does about her, probably, but seeing his name and reflecting through his life and that being the main reason he wanted to do this, really helped me. So i signed my first set of initials, and just kept going without reading. It felt awful, seriously, the most heart wrenching thing I ever had to do but i feel like I just had to keep thinking about her and not myself.
So i still struggle with whether i made the right decision, I came home and cried and slept and cried and my eyes were so swollen, and apparently i was having these horrible dreams my mom told me about. It is not easy. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong decision. Not something that anyone ever wants to do, I don’t know what the future holds at all. But, all I know is that I have to keep going and start my future and do it for her. Otherwise this decision would be pointless. I just have to take it day by day but I know she’s well taken care of and in the best hands she can be. I hope, at least. There really isn’t any way to not worry or be upset and this feeling is really …well theres no way to describe it until you have your own baby for yourself. I’m pissed, I’m sad, I’m relieved, I’m everything in one. I wish I could describe it but i cant. it feels like a death almost. like the YOUR world is stopped and you are stopped too, either that or walking in a daze and everyone around you keeps moving, and the world is continuing on. We will just see what will happen. It’s only the day after.
And all the people that are going to give me crap about my decision, do it. I don’t care, I won’t respond.
Ashley ~ as I have told you before; you are an amazing young lady, you are so brave, you have thought out your life plan (with also includes Callie) and I personally respect you as a mom, a lady and a person. You have done something that not very many birth to adoptive moms are able to do ~ you have met the people that will love your child as you would / will. I wish you the best that life will give you.
Lisa and Kenny are amazing people and I have grown to love them because they love my son in law (Lisa’s brother), my daughter and above all my granddaughter ~ they “are” my family because they love “my” family (I know those are confusing words). Lisa’s brother and his family will be a part of your Callie’s life because they are part of the Spear “clan”.
Justin and you have made the best choice for the three of you ~ NEVER doubt yourself. With love and, again I wsh the very best that life will give you.
Dawn (Brandi’s mom)
I’ve been checking on you all day! Thought I’d check one last time before I head to bed. Glad I did.
I’m glad you spent the time with your daughter. I’m sure you will cherish that time forever. I think this time is SO IMPORTANT. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it with my PooWee and it still breaks my heart-3 years later.
I’m glad you weighed your options and had your mother there as support. Another very important time. It is amazing how your whole world changes once your child is born. Everything you thought you had decided on goes down the drain. You see things threw your childs eyes and not just your own anymore.
I once was helping my oldest son’s friend during her pregnancy. And I told her life would never be the same no matter what decision she made. She is now and forever will be a mother. You TOO are now a mother. I know many use birthmother or firstmother for clarification. I still prefer just mother. A mother makes the best choices she can for her child(ren) and you did just that.
It appears you will have a nice situation and I pray that all works out for you. Open adoptions are the best, but from what I read they can also be difficult at times.
If you would like I can send you some blogs of other mothers that are not parenting. You will probably relate to their emotions and feels. And they will be a great support for you during your hard times. Just shoot me an email! I also follow a few adoptive parents and they are great too.
Take care of yourself!
Thinking of you!
-Roni
ash! omg im soo sorry that you had to go through this! i really started crying when i read this. i hope everything works outt for you. your a great and wonderful person. i know i could have never done anything like this. you have to be the strongest person i know!
if you ever need to talk just let me know!! im here for you! :].
well if anyone gives you crap it would be a damn shame. you did what you felt was right for that baby. i think it is/will probably be the single most difficult decision you will ever had made. i applaud you for thinking of her future and well being. i hope you will always take comfort in that.
Ashley, I honestly don’t know how you could follow through with that – and you know I’m not putting you down, I’m saying that you’re so so so strong. I know I couldn’t do it with my baby, so you’re awfully brave for doing it with Callie. I know it’ll be weighing on your heart for a long time but so long as you keep telling yourself that its for the best. I feel like I’m missing part of me when I leave Laela in the other room for 5 minutes so I couldn’t imagine sitting and thinking “What are they doing with her?” “Is she being treated right?” etc, but just stay positive. As much as you don’t really “know” me, I feel close to you (as I’ve said before) and anytime and I mean anytime you need some support or someone to talk to, I’m here. Text me in the middle of the night if need be, I’m here. Good luck <3
@ alexandra: I’ve replied to you personally. I really thank you for what you had said about me being your hero and how you feel I made the right decision. I’m glad ot know you support me. Somebody who I havent even met.
@ john: thank you. i do.
@ kaitlyn: thanks. i don’t know how I did it. maybe the love i had for her gave me strength do to this for her. thats all i thought about over and over “this is for her, this is for her.”
@ roni: All I can say is thank you. Very much
@ dawn: thanks, i guess.
Again…my heart hurts for you. The pain is immense!
If you are doubting your decision, I agree with Joy. Bring her home! Don’t view it as “trying her out” – 2 things can happen – you realize that parenting will be too hard, or your not able to give her all that you want to, and you go through with your decision for the adoption. Later on in life your daughter will know that atleast you tried. It would also reassure your decision that adoption is right.
Or you realize that you can do it, and that adoption wasn’t the right decision.
I am a single mother. I strongly believe you can do your college immediately and raise your daughter. I strongly believe in QUALITY of time with my kids verses QUANTITY.
Remember there are NO GUARENTEES in life. WHat would happen if the adoptive parents move far away from you? Or if they do divorce? And as you said you don’t know how your daughter will feel about being adopted or being raised by a single mother and her grandmother.
All I can really say is if you are having this much doubt, you need to contact your worker and express that you need more time. Stop the process for now, before it’s TOO late.
((HUGS))
-Roni
OOpps I wrote my last comment under the wrong post! HA! I’ll copy and past it where it needs to go! Sorry!
I promise I won’t make you feel bad but I do want you to know that you don’t have to do this. You’ll have more support than you probably will ever realize.
If you’d like to talk, please email me and I’ll give you my phone number.
This is coming from a first mother that knows the emotional struggles you are facing right now. A first mother that “changed her mind”.
I honestly can not read any more of this. You are breaking my heart. Exhausted, hormonal, sleep deprived, and yet they want to give you 48 hours to make a decision. Your aunt and uncle may not be aware of what is going on, but I guarantee you the hospital and if you used an agency or lawyer, they too know that its crucial to get you to sign in this time period. I have no intentions of insulting you or your family. In fact if you HAVE to go through with an adoption, family is the best way to go so the child has access to the things they are going to need later on. Medical info, ancestry, heritage etc… But there is so much more. My heart aches for both you and this little girl. Looking at this picture of you feeding her is breath taking.
I was not allowed to hold my daughter, no pictures, no visitors. That was a long time ago and they have changed their policies on that for a reason. Its cruel and inhumane.
I will not tell you that you are making a mistake. I will tell you from what I have read, you have not expressed a good enough reason for yourself. Excellent reasoning for others, but not for yourself.
What your feeling is motherhood. Unexplainable, undenible. All the more reason to get you to sign in a hurry. May I suggest, holding off till you are no longer hormonal and exhausted to sign those papers. Your aunt and uncle will surely take your daughter 2 weeks from now.
You said you felt bad because you didn’t know how to care for your daughter. It didn’t take long though did it? You just needed to be shown like any other mother. Like EVERY mother.
My heart aches for the journey ahead of you. Right or wrong, you have a hard road to travel and nothing is going to take away the pain of being separated from your child. You will be a strong woman because of this. Most of us ended up so strong we became hardened. We had to, to survive the pain.
College is still an option for both you and your child. Many have gone before you and changed policy so that you can have what you need to get an education.
What ever you decide, I wish you the best and will add you to MY prayers at birthdays and Christmas because those are the two killers.
God may bless you ten fold for your decision to surrender your child, but society won’t. You will be angelic and selfless for a while, then you will become “one of those women” the kind who could walk away from her child. They will say in front of you “what kind of woman could do that” and worse. God may shine on you, but the voices you will hear will be in your face, and not as understanding. Just be ready.
I hope you get everything you have been promised and more. Your post is exactly why I do not believe in pre birth matching. A woman needs time for her hormones to calm down, she needs sleep, and she needs time with her child before making such a huge decision. And she needs to know that open adoptions are not legally enforceable. They can be closed at any time, and any promises made are null and void by your signature on those papers.
Good Luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts over the many years ahead of you.
@ Lori : First of all, Lori, MAYBE if you had kept on reading you would realize that because we are a close family and because we all love each other. Your heart shouldn’t ache. I am making this decision with more time and “tons of sleep,” and not so “hormonal.” Im sorry you had to suffer such a traumatic experience, and I feel for you, because that would be so awful.
And I’m sorry, I don’t appreciate you talking about my aunt and uncle, the agency or myself that way. Especially when you say I will be looked down upon. Sorry if you are looked down upon. Sorry if you have suffered anything more to make yourself feel this way. All I have to say is that, this is not my situation. I actually have a very good sitaution.
to ashley thats bullshit your situation is just like anyone elsees you gave that baby girl up for adoption because you didnt want the responsibilty i had my baby gil at the age of 15 and she has grown up in a outstanding house hold and i could not even get a job at 15 my baby girl has been taken care of and suupported and i have been successful i have a BA in bio pre med and a minor in spanish you could have raised your child and been successful you obviously did not want to so this blogging website is filled with a bunch of bullshit excuses for you to try to convince yourself that you couldnt do it and you made the best choice for you and Callie! you did NOY
to ashley thats bullshit your situation is just like anyone elsees you gave that baby girl up for adoption because you didnt want the responsibilty i had my baby girl at the age of 15 and she has grown up in a outstanding house hold and i could not even get a job at 15 my baby girl has been taken care of and suupported and i have been successful i have a BA in bio pre med and a minor in spanish you could have raised your child and been successful you obviously did not want to so this blogging website is filled with a bunch of bullshit excuses for you to try to convince yourself that you couldnt do it and you made the best choice for you and Callie! you did NOT
Appreciate your site. Very interesting entry.
Not that it makes a whole lot of difference, but this stranger to you supports your decision. In fact I am proud of you. You show great strength. Well done.