if you want to see more pictures, then click this link. my baby girl filled with tons of pictures. i will keep updating, so check frequently.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I am going to be completely honest. I might have said this before, but sometimes I feel like I made the TOTALLY wrong decision. I feel so angry and horrible and depressed and I cry all the time. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day and night and never get up. It’s like my world has been torn in two and I have to stop living.
Here were some reasons why i thought adoption was the best choice:
growing up, i had a mother that worked all the time to support me. she would have two stay at home parents. i didn’t have my father. she would have hers. even if him and i did work out together by some crazy chance, he’s not in the best place, and we could possibly end up divorced or not together eventually. I don’t want her to start out in split homes, or me, have to deal with child support and her wonder why her daddy wasn’t around. I HAVE TO have to finish my education. If I dont there is a very high chance our life will be even harder. While my mom is working, and I am at school, she will be with a nanny all day. not us. I think she could bring that on me later. And my mom might take care of her more than me. That caused so much conflict between my mom, my grandparents, and i when they were helping for that long period of time. How will that go. My mom will most likely end up trying to tell me how to raise my daughter. I don’t want to risk a relationship with my mother. I dont want there to be more drama and conflict for my sister, than there has been through all this. She wants to keep her too. I dont know. Some other reasons, were teenager reasons, like, getting to go out. And relationships. I know if the guy can’t accept my daughter, who is a part of me, he isn’t worth it. And I don’t think strongly about going out, but when reality hits, will i? If I don’t get to go off to college will I resent her? If i do go off to college, or have to work A LOT in the future to support us will she resent me? I think I can do it, sometimes. Just like my mother did, but we have been in plenty of fights about how she has “raised” us. And no matter how grateful I am for her, we still argue. When Callie is a teenager, will she bring it back on me? There is no telling. I know I can do ANYTHING i set my mind to, but really, maybe deep down the decision towards adoption was right.
As for keeping her, I felt relief when I made the decision the second time in the hospital for adoption. She will have such a stable and happy home and life. But will she resent me for that? I know her and I will have a special bond no one can have. I constantly spend 3/4 of the day crying, and when I am happy i feel guilty for being happy in those moments. I think maybe my decision was wrong. But maybe it’s the motherly feelings I’m feeling. It’s true. There is no love like the love for your child. It is SO CRAZY. Seriously. There is NO EXPLAINING IT. I don’t know how to stress that enough. Sometimes I feel like the people that leave me mean comments on here. That adoption should be wrong for EVERYBODY. That NOBODY should go through with adoption, unless it is in the most extreme cases. But that is not true. I still believe in adoption. I just feel like maybe my situation, i could have maybe kept her.
Honestly, YES, i do feel regret at this point in time. I feel angry at everybody and resentment. I feel angry in myself and i feel depressed. Literally, depressed. I feel like I could be a good mom, but if i went back on my decision, i would be going back on everything i said for her. It’s like a death, except when someone dies you can’t see them again. I can see her again, but at the moment, i feel all the pain as someone who is gone forever. I love her. I want her. I would do anything in the world for her. I don’t know what is right and wrong right now. I don’t know if it was the right decision. I don’t know. I don’t know. I miss her. I want here here with me right now this second. I want her to throw a fit and cry because she needs to be changed and because she’s hungry just so i can do it for her. I want to skip years ahead and I want her to come home crying so I can comfort her. I want her to come home with the best news in the world so I can congratulate her. I want her to be 16 so I can throw the best party for her. I want her to be 17 so I can see her off to her first prom or something. I want her to get in trouble so I can teach her right from wrong. Haha. I want to protect her. I want to be called MOM. Not ASHLEY. Maybe I’m just thinking of her of as baby, though. I’m not thinking about all the expenses she will need down the road. I’m 18 and my mom still has tons to help me pay for. Thousands and thousands for college. And she WILL go to college. But can’t that be worried about later? I really have so many random thoughts running through my head. I will be posting random entries here, with random thoughts and questions as they come. I NEED to know I made the right decision.
THOSE are my true feelings.
I don’t know. Maybe some comments will help.
-would keeping her be the right decision for her? or for me?
I don’t understand why you can’t just parent her for awhile, get to know her more and then later, still hand her off if it is an infamily adoption.
I went off to college with my baby, it worked out really well for us.
I don’t think people were trying to be “mean” to you, but instead spare you a lifetime of grief.
Maybe you could talk to your mom, and work out an arrangement that works for all of you. You know that isn’t so black and white.
My heart just aches for you all.
@ joy: BECAUSE, You don’t just “try a baby out.” And it would be that much harder after parenting. You don’t just try her out and “hand her off.” You’re a different person. I couldn’t do that to my child, and I couldn’t do that to myself.
And I have talked to my mom, she supports me in any decision i decide to make. She loves her as much as I do.
i just wrote a long reply…..and it didnt fill everything out so it got deleted. =[
anyways, I knew that your heart would hurt after all of this…but it still hurts me to see you hurt. cause even though I have no idea how you feel….i hurt for you.
about your entry….today I was talking to my dad about how bad you were hurting…and he brought up a good point….that you have no idea whats going to happen at any point….so your thinking of with that family she may have a better life…may not be so true. you have no diea what god brings. he brought you a beautiful baby….which was a HUGE shocker..right? well the same thing could happen to them…so just cause they may have a more stable life right now duznt mean that will be true forever. ya knOW? and I think you should not necessarily “try out” the baby, but take her home for a couple days and see how your life is with her in it. i saw an ER show and this young girl changed her mind about adoption and started to take the baby home….giving her a real life idea of how things were going to be…and thats when she made her final decision…being in the hospital and at home are very different. ps. im not going to tell you her decison. but I think you just need to see how it is. b cuz I can gurantee you…if you don’t honestly come to terms with a decision, you will regret it.. and this shouldn’t be a decision for you or her…it should be for the both of you. yes she is innocent baby. but you have your own right to be happy too. and thats important. I just hope that in WHATEVER you choose. your happy.
I knew that your heart would hurt after all of this…but it still hurts me to see you hurt. cause even though I have no idea how you feel….i hurt for you.
about your entry….today I was talking to my dad about how bad you were hurting…and he brought up a good point….that you have no idea whats going to happen at any point….so your thinking of with that family she may have a better life…may not be so true. you have no diea what god brings. he brought you a beautiful baby….which was a HUGE shocker..right? well the same thing could happen to them…so just cause they may have a more stable life right now duznt mean that will be true forever. ya knOW? and I think you should not necessarily “try out” the baby, but take her home for a couple days and see how your life is with her in it. i saw an ER show and this young girl changed her mind about adoption and started to take the baby home….giving her a real life idea of how things were going to be…and thats when she made her final decision…being in the hospital and at home are very different. ps. im not going to tell you her decison. but I think you just need to see how it is. b cuz I can gurantee you…if you don’t honestly come to terms with a decision, you will regret it.. and this shouldn’t be a decision for you or her…it should be for the both of you. yes she is innocent baby. but you have your own right to be happy too. and thats important. I just hope that in WHATEVER you choose. your happy.
okay, so i am up at like 6:40 in the morning reading ashley’s stuff. & no, i havent known her for THAT long, but i know her enough to know she has a heart of gold and would do whats best for ANY of her family. theres absolutely nothing wrong with her decision. i havent had a kid, and honestly i give ah=shley so much credit. i could never do it. i wouldnt know the first thing. but ashley is a very smart girl and she doesn’t need snotty people telling her what to do with HER OWN FLESH & BLOOD!
anyway, i love you ashleyyy and i wanna see this gorgeous daughter of yours
Again…my heart hurts for you. The pain is immense!
If you are doubting your decision, I agree with Joy. Bring her home! Don’t view it as “trying her out” – 2 things can happen – you realize that parenting will be too hard, or your not able to give her all that you want to, and you go through with your decision for the adoption. Later on in life your daughter will know that atleast you tried. It would also reassure your decision that adoption is right.
Or you realize that you can do it, and that adoption wasn’t the right decision.
I am a single mother. I strongly believe you can do your college immediately and raise your daughter. I strongly believe in QUALITY of time with my kids verses QUANTITY.
Remember there are NO GUARENTEES in life. WHat would happen if the adoptive parents move far away from you? Or if they do divorce? And as you said you don’t know how your daughter will feel about being adopted or being raised by a single mother and her grandmother.
All I can really say is if you are having this much doubt, you need to contact your worker and express that you need more time. Stop the process for now, before it’s TOO late.
((HUGS))
-Roni
Ashley,
I hurt for you. I am an adoptee and I ache at the hard decisions you had to make. NO one can tell you what is right, but let me share my experience with you.
First, I got married young and got pregnant right away. Cool huh, but then my dh got put in the hospital for bipolar, couldn’t work after he got out for a year and then barely. We had our baby and had to live with my in laws. My mil took care of my son a lot more than I did. I was young and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Anyway, fast forward to present. My dh is a hard worker and supports us (we now have 6 kids) alone. I finished college years after I graduated high school. But we are a family.
Don’t judge your future by your present. Many many people struggle in the beginning.
Most of those what ifs you mentioned could happen to the adopted parents too. Divorce, etc can happen to the happiest couple..and a loving marriage can happen to the most unlikely couple.
There are not certainties in life, you are right. But if there are no certainties in life for you, there are non of the couple adopting your baby. Do you know what I mean?
I grew up without a father too…but I made it..I didn’t have a father and I am an adoptee..so there are no perfect families…
[...] http://ashleydsalazar.com/?p=485 [...]
Hi Ashley! I’m an adoptee and an adoptive parent. Being as such, I have a kind of unique insight to the adoption world. I know how it feels to be adopted, and the issues I have to face every single day of my life because of the fact that my mother decided not to be a part of my life. I also have 3 biological children, and was 19 when I had my first, so I know what its like to be young and struggling with a baby. But, as an adoptive parent who has had some MAJOR struggles with my son who is adopted, I also talk to a lot of other adoptive parents about things they would never EVER tell anyone else. Adoptive parents struggle with the same things bio parents do! There is something called Post Adoption Depression that adoptive parents get after they adopt, where, similar to PPD, they become deeply depressed, find it difficult to care for the baby, feel they don’t love the baby, wonder what they were thinking adopting, and so on. Of course, they don’t talk about these things in public because adoptive parents are supposed to be perfect. I talk to adoptive parents whose marriages are failing, but they’re sticking it out long enough to get a baby. They’d never tell anyone else that, though, or no one would choose them. I talk to adoptive parents who are suicidal, or have hurtful thoughts about their children, but are in fear of being judged so they hide it. I even talk to adoptive parents who disrupt their adoptions because they decide the child isn’t the one for them. Imagine if you chose a couple to adopt your child, and they turned around and disrupted? Divorced? Suffered from Post Adoption Depression? Felt suicidal or wanted to harm the baby? It happens far more often than you know, because these parents don’t talk about it.
Any reasons you have for feeling inadequate, most adoptive parents experience it too, or could in the future. You’re a single parent? Do you think adoptive couples don’t get divorced? You don’t have enough money to offer your child everything? Well, adoptive parents lose their jobs. Can’t be a stay at home mom? Adoptive mothers go back to work or have to get a job when times are rough, especially in this crappy economy.
Your baby doesn’t need a swimming pool, or a pony, or vacations in Hawaii or designer clothes. Your baby only wants you. Your baby will look for you and cry for you when you’re gone, not because its clothes are from goodwill.
Wish every adoptive parent could be there in this moment with you and understand how agonizing it is. I’ll offer my perspective because it might help a bit. . .I’m a single parent through adoption. In thinking about what would be an ideal home for your baby, you may be thinking about two parents as “better” than one but it doesn’t have to be that way. The two of you can make a complete, happy home. In the end, none of that really matters–nannies, daycare, two parents, pots of money versus enough money, house or apartment. . .children do not judge you for those things. What is truly important is that you make a decision you can feel comfortable with and trust that you and your child have a future together even if it is a bit rough in the first couple of years. Yes, it’s vital to finish your education because it will be the key to stability for your family down the road, but there are ways it can be done. Speak to your academic institution about your situation. Above all, if this decision feels all wrong to you, go with yout gut and bring your child home. All the best to you.
I just read more of your blog posts and saw the pictures of your gorgeous daughter. I posted my previous comment assuming your reasons for not raising your child were because you didn’t have much money or support. Please know that I’m not trying to be mean or insult you here, but as an adoptee myself who has struggled with abandonment issues, trust issues and low self esteem all my life, I’m not sure I understand. Your family supports you. You aren’t out on the streets not knowing how you will afford diapers. You are surrendering your child because she may have to go to a nanny, and lead a life you say wasn’t horrible for you, but could’ve maybe been better. I’m not sure why you assume not having you at ALL would be better? Let me tell you, my adoptive parents were the most awesome people in the world (they died when I was in my 20s) and I could not have asked for a better adoptive mother. I was never abused, I had everything I ever wanted, and I’ve even met my biological mother (who is too eaten alive with guilt and pain to have a relationship with me now), but I still have all these issues. I can’t imagine if I finally found my mother and asked her “why did you give me up?” and she said “well, I didn’t want you to have a babysitter until I was out of school.” I’d be devastated if I found out I was given away over babysitting and maybe having to live a not horrible but not totally perfect life with my REAL family, who totally supported my mom keeping me. Again, I am NOT NOT NOT trying to be mean or insulting. I just feel the need to say this because I feel like if I’m not totally honest with my thoughts about this, you and your daughter may live to regret this someday. If there is any hope I can change your mind, its worth being a little harsh. I’ve talked to a ton of mothers who relinquished who regretting giving their babies away, but I’ve never spoken to one mother than raised her child who wished she’d given them up. Not one. Not all adoptees have issues like I do, but a LOT of them do. Would you give her away to save her from being babysat and risk her feeling like you did only to risk having her feel like thousands of us adoptees do? Is it a fair trade off? Being raised by a single mother may not be ideal. It may not be a perfect life, but neither is being an adoptee. Her records will be sealed, she won’t be allowed to have her original birth certificate, she may not be able to get a passport, all that on top of starting her little life with being abandoned by the only person she’s ever known. She deserves not to be someone’s second choice. She deserves her family.
I’m so sorry again for being so blunt here. Please don’t think I’m mean, I just want to try to help before its too late.
If it would be that much harder to let her go than how hard do you think it is going to be to live the rest of your life without her?
She is beautiful and she is precious and she is your baby. She knows everything about you because she lived inside of you. You were meant to be her mother. You were designed to be her mother. Little children don’t care about pools and ponies and material things. They care about being with mommy.
If you are having any doubts of spending your life without this baby then you must try.
Ashley, I’ve been following your posts. I don’t know where you are in your decisions, feelings and emotions, but let me share this with you…I went to a funeral yesterday for my niece who was due to be born Christmas Day but passed away this week in her moms womb. It was utterly the most sobering situation I have ever been through. Here was a child who fought for life for 9 months and just before she was about to unleash her joy and happiness on the world, she was taken from her mom and we are all left to grieve and wonder why…why her.
So why am I telling you this? Simple. Be thankful you were able to bring your daughter in to this world. Whether or not you are able to be a part of her life going forward, always know your daughter is out there, happy, healthy and loved. If your daughter is in your life love her, take care of her and enjoy your life together! Regardless of what happens God has a path for you to follow. He also has a path for your daughter. I know this is easier said then done, but sometimes you have to put your faith in the hands of the people who love you and in God. Your daughter has unleashed happiness and life on to the world. Celebrate her life by loving her and praying for her happiness.
Ashley, take care of yourself. Let the people in your life love you. I know your mom, your sister and your grand parents all love you. Always remember your daughter will love you to….
First I want to tell you congradulations because no matter what you gave birth to that lil girl and you will always be a mother so congradulations shes precious. And In my opinion I think if you feel this is something you will regret or feel like youve done the wrong thing for the rest of your life you should think about maybe keeping her. I just had my 2nd baby on monday the 14th I have a 19 month old and 6 day old and I considered adoption at one point to. I know I may not be the richest person or have the best life but i know that i love them like nobody ever can and they are the only two people who know what my heart sounds like on the inside and thats a bond cant nobody break i cant imagine life without them im going to school to be a nurse and work in the maternity ward and they inspire me to do the best i can i may not have a college degree right now but im working on it and i will achieve it and they will have a good life. And my and my babys father have gone down a bad road were on and off and hes not always at the best places in his life and what not but we make it work with visits and being apart of our childerens life. So I really think you could do it and I really think if in your heart and gut it says to keep her you should trust yourself you seem like a really smart girl and someone who does want to make it somewhere in life and having a baby doesnt mean not doing that and making a good life for her if anything it inspieres you a little more to do it so just trust yourself but if in the end you still feel like adoption is the right choice then thats what was right for you but no matter what the situation you will alwyas be her mother and she will always know what its like to hear YOUR heart beating from the inside and no one elses.
If you’re this conflicted and there is still a legal window to revoke your consent, I hope you will tell your social worker or lawyer right away that you need some more time and space to make such an important decision. Speaking as an adoptive parent, I know I wouldn’t want to raise a child if her mom had immediately realized that adoption had been a mistake. There is no need to rush. You wouldn’t be “trying her out” by having her with you for awhile. Taking time to be with her while you figure out the path you want to take–without the pressure of a deadline–is a kind and loving thing to do. It honors the bond the two of you share.
Wishing you so much peace in whatever decision you end up making. I’m glad your mom is there supporting you.
Hi Ashley, I commented a while ago, just before your daughter was born, so you already know what my feelings are. I do hope that you think about/ have the chance to keep your little girl. For your sake and hers, nothing can replace a mother, no matter how loving or maternal an adoptive mother is, babies know the difference. I feel like you are looking for validation so that you can feel that you made the right decision. Again, I do not intend this to cause you pain or upset you, I am just telling you my experience, as an adoptee and as a mother. My heart ached for my real mother my whole life. Since meeting her, I could go the rest of my life without ever speaking to my adoptive mother again. The fights that you have had with your mother are perfectly natural and are part of a normal, healthy upbringing – I NEVER argued with my adoptive mother because I didn’t feel like I had the right to, I had to be grateful, I had to be a good girl or be abandoned again, I could not rock the boat. This in itself stunted my development so severely, I still struggle to tell people when they upset me, makes relationships really hard. The only thing that made me wonder about my natural mother, made me doubt her, was when I had my son. The overwhelming feeling of love made me wonder how on earth she could have handed me over like that. The only comfort I had was that it was 1972 and single, pregnant women were treated like crap. You don’t have that problem in this day and age Ashley. Single motherhood is no longer frowned upon. So please, if you have some support, if you are regretting your decision, if you are second guessing, please, please, please consider revoking the adoption and raising your daughter yourself. You strike me as an incredibly strong, intelligent young woman and I believe that you can do it and your daughter will thank you for it.
Why are so many people calling adoption “wrong”? What’s wrong with doing what you think is best for your child when you’re young, single and want to go to college? What’s wrong with wanting your child to have two loving parents? Yes, it’s difficult, but the right path is not always the easiest! Congrats, Ashley, on your beautiful daughter and I pray that you will listen to your heart and make the right decision for both you and your baby!
Ashley, I sent you a very long email to your yahoo. I hope you will take the time to read it all and consider my words and advise! Honey, I have been in the exact same shoes as you! I got pregnant with my oldest son when I was 16 and had him at 17. I considered abortion but didn’t have the money. I considered adoption but when my mom told me that if I wanted to keep the baby she would help me. So I did keep him! Now I am happily married with 5 children! I believe if you are even slightly regretting your decision, that it wasn’t the right decision to make! Please read my email honey, and if you want, I will help you get your daughter back! Email me please!?
Ashley, it hurts me so much that your feeling all this right now, i know i dont know you at all but it sort of feels like i do, threw your blogs and being in the same situation, i had my daughter at 15. You can do it. you can do it all, you can go to school finish college raise your daughter and be happy. there are so many schools that offer financial aide to single parents, housing, child care assistance, it wont be easy but you can do it i promise. you have to be strong and have support from others, and you obviously are extremely strong and have your family support. i thought the first year was the hardest for me, it was hard not being able to go out and then when all my friends went off to college that was hard too but when i do see them all i want is my baby she makes me happier than anything, i cant wait for her to start school and help her achieve everything she wants too, i may have to work twice as hard as a mom whos married and has a husband but it so much more worth it. just know you can do it. its just so hard reading these posts from you and not commenting when your so upset about the decision you’ve made.
by the way, she is absolutely gorgeous!
You had to do something that you didn’t want to do and it hurt. It sucks but that’s life. Alot of times you have to make decisions to give up things that you want so terribly bad in order to do or recieve the things that you need. I just finished my first semester of college and my mind is reeling at the idea of fitting a part time job and an internship into the madness that is college life. I have to tell you that you’re completely right in thinking you would be overwhelmed and not spend much time with her. You would be, and you wouldn’t. You’re not only giving her the best life that you possibly can, but allowing yourself to do that too. Not only did you give her the gift of life on this planet Earth, but you’re being unselfish enough to try annd give her a proper family too, something many people who never even consider giving up their children fail miserably at doing, or don’t even try to do. You’re allowing her the best chance you can offer, what more can you do. Sleep for days, cry, wish things were different. Hell, spend hours laying in bed day dreaming about how much better things could have been and the way you would have prefered for them to go. You deserve that and you need to do it. Spend whatever period of time you need to getting over this unpleasant part of life. But when you’re done, you need to get out of bed, wash up, dust off, and get ready to hit the ground running again. Let yourself be sad and depressed now so that it isn’t just a storm cloud hanging over you, striking whenever you aren’t at your peak. You weighed all your options and in the end you made a hard decision, that deep down, you know is right, or you wouldn’t have been able to make it. now you’re just stuck in those hard decision, regretful blues. Don’t fight them. Acknowledge them, accept them as a part of being an adult, and move on. Your baby isn’t the only one with a new lease on life. You’ve learned and grown so much, it’s your responsibility to handle the sadness, so that you can go out into the world with what you’ve learned and make it better.
Peace and love,
Brandy
You made the right decision its hard now I know but in the future you will look back and see, and like you said you two will always have a special bond. You are her mom and always will be she is a lucky girl she has two moms that will always love her a lot and maybe in the future you will be that person she runs to with bad news and good news. You made the right decision for her. and yourself. you have big dreams and one day she will understand and she will be so proud of you.
I think you would have been able to do it. There is plenty of college students who have children. There is even some schools who have a child center where they can watch your child while you are in class. All though she will be loved, she will never have that mother-daughter love that you could have given her 24/7. I have a 2 year old son and of course it get hard at times. Nothing is every easy in life but the really good things are fighting for. Is there no way that you can change your mind now, and get her back?
Brandy, have you ever placed? How do you KNOW that Ashley needs to place? Have you ever been adopted? Do you know what it feels like? You can say “well being adopted isn’t that bad… it doesn’t hurt that bad to lose your mom”
And I can say “Being raised by a single mom isn’t that bad, it doesn’t hurt that bad to be in a lower economic bracket.”
Really if children are fine even if they go through the pain of losing their mom’s, then they can be fine living with single mom’s. There is no scientific evidence that proves ANYTHING about whether adoption is ACTUALLY better for children. It causes pain. Single parenting causes pain.
So the question would be, what does ASHLEY want. Her daughter will survive life being adopted, or life with a single mom. What does Ashley want?
Parenting may actually be a scientifically better option to provide a good outcome. You really don’t know that the pain of being with a single mom is worse than the pain of being an adoptee unless you have lived both lives.
No one has.
Are you an adoptive parent Brandy? Or are you a mom wanting to see another woman go through what you went through to prove it was “necessary” that this level of pain exist?
@ Mariette: I havent had time to respond to all of these, but , Well, Brandy is one of my good friends. I understand where she is coming from. I really do. She has always been there for me. Its true. Life is filled with tons of things that we dont WANT to do. I dont WANT to give up my child for adoption, but that might be the best thing for her. That is all I want. For her to be happy before me.
@ Brandy: Thanks brandy, for the advice. And also for what you said about my unselfishness. I really will see what the future holds, but I do get tired of being in bed crying and feeling depressed all day, not eating. Just being miserable. And I definitely have learned a lot and I do want to go out and do things and make things better. I have learned so much through this. Good luck to you, though, in the future. You are so intelligent, and I want to see you go far, which I know you will. Miss you.
Ashley, thank you for explaining. I have been an adoptee for 27 years. As you know I’ve been a biological mother for 8 years. I’ve researched the subject of which is actually better for children… and there really isn’t a conclusion. It’s still absolutely your decision alone to place, but just because placing IS an unselfish act of love, it doesn’t always mean it’s right, or necessary.
Just because you were selfless enough to consider doing WHATEVER THE BEST OPTION IS, it doesn’t mean that adoption has to be the right decision.
I wish you much love Ashley. Really. I know this is such a hard time and it’s so hard to know what is REALLY best for your daughter. But the more research I’ve done into the experience of other adoptees and my own experience as an adoptee, I have realized the best way to resolve the complex emotional issues adoptees go through is to prevent the adoption in the first place.
Adoption isn’t necessarily a free ride for your daughter. It will have ups and downs and painful emotional experiences just like being with a single mom would.
so I still think you should listen to what your heart tells you YOU want. Do you want to spend Christmas with your baby? do you want her in your arms every night?
Because if the answer is yes, it just very well might be mutually beneficial for you both. I am a single parent and I would be happy to brainstorm some ideas with you that might help prevent you from feeling like you “don’t get to spend that much time with your daughter”.
I agree that this should be about what is best for your daughter, I just think that it doesn’t automatically mean adoption. On paper adoption sounds good. Two parent home vs one parent home. But then there is the reality that there is a baby who is made out of mother. A connection that will last longer than you could imagine. An ache that will go on.
Adoption can be necessary despite that adoptees have issues with being adopted. But if two lives can be spared that level of separation, then it’s a good thing.
I certainly don’t have the answer for you at all. But I know that adoption is really different than the media and adoption agencies present it.
I don’t think your daughter needs to be separated from you. You love her so much. I truly believe that you are a candidate to be an amazing mother. And it’s because you are willing to do everything in your power, as painful as it may be for your daughter, that I think in fact, you may be the very best person for your daughter. That kind of love in a parent is rarer than you think.
Ashley, this decision is yours. She is YOUR baby, YOUR flesh and blood. You carried her for nine months, not anybody else that is telling you what to do. If you have your heart set on what you know is right, don’t let anyone else tell you what THEY think is right to do. Your daughter should not go into a category, ya know? Some of my close friends are adopted and are so grateful for it. I honestly believe she’s going to thank you.
Hi, I came from Roni’s site.
A year ago Dec. 10 I put my son up for adoption for many reasons, that I won’t go into, but some were the same.
I didn’t question if I did the right thing until it was too late to do anything about it. And I think I started questioning because I was just deeply depressed by the whole ordeal. You know what the right choice is, and only you can make it. I will tell you that if you do adoption, it gets easier. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for having good days. She would want you to be happy. She might be angry with you later, but I think once she gets passed that she’ll realize that what you did was for her, and not yourself. I never once thought while thinking about adoption that I’d be able to go back to school and move on with my life, or better myself. It was all about him and how I could barely take care of my needs and provide for me, that I knew bringing a baby into my world would not be good. It wasn’t until after that I realized that I would be able to do things I wouldn’t have been able to do with a child. And even when that dawned on me, I felt so guilty for thinking that. I’m living proof that life goes on after placing a child for adoption. I’m newly married and living in Hawaii and going to finish my degree at some point. It took me a good 4 months to heal, and I did chck myself into a local mental hospital for treatment, amd it helped me work through all the emotions and pain.
Just keep in mind that your first priority is your daughter and what is best for her. Parenting is a big responsiblilty and if you don’t think you’re ready,then you aren’t ready. And adoption is the most selfless thing you can do for your child.
My email is on my blog, email me if you need to talk things out.
Ashley,
I don’t think you have to make a decision now. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to rush this. Ashley, this is a life altering decision for you and your baby.
Please, please be kind and gentle and loving to yourself and to your daughter and take all the time you need. But not rushing you would be doing the most loving thing for your child and yourself.
It sounds like you are very aware of the mother/child bond that exists between you and your daughter. You are a very good mother and YES you are your child’s mother. You have clearly have very strong maternal instincts. That is good!
The negative side of those maternal instincts is what I think is causes some mothers to rush to prebirth ,matching surrender and adoption because they feel unprepared to mother their chid and they need for their child cared for and protected NOW! It is how mothers are hard wired.
I think that if adoption really is the “right” ( and I hesitate to use such an absolute word as “right”) decision for you and your daughter it will be the right decision 7 or 11 or even 16 months from now. And you may think, “How could ever I surrender my rights after having her with me for months??”
Yes, it would be absolutely excruciating to surrender your baby then, but is it not excruciating now? Just thinking about not being her everyday mother is probably excruciating, no?
I am thirty years+ a “birth mother” Ashley. And it is excruciating, still, to know that my son calls another woman Mom and so painful that she was that one to teach him how to see the world and most importantly how to see himself know his place in this world. It is excruciating that he would not travel here for the holidays, but to his mother and father who raised him. d
I know this for myself. My experience is this: I know that with the energy and emotions I have used, and still expend today, in dealing with the surrender and loss of my son to adoption, I could have raised him, my 4 other sons and say…about 2 more children, as well.
What I am saying Ashley, is please, please, please take your time. You are still recovering from childbirth. Something that can take months.wa
When my first child was born, I was 19 and unmarried and I remember the confusion and the panic. And yes that relief I felt after a “decision” for adoption was made.
But in retrospect, part of it was that I was tired of the drama around me.
And I fully agree, any man interested in you is not worthy if he doesn’t accept your child as part of you.
So I hope you hold of on making any adoption plan. Hope that you hold her in her arms, ask for lots of help in caring for her. And if you pray, I hope you just keep praying while you hold her.
These are my thoughts. All good thoughts to you, Ashley.
Roxanne in MN
p.s. could fix any typos today as omputer is slow
Ashley, hope you are able to read past my typos and grammatical errors. My computer was very slow and I couldn’t edit very well.
I think you can mostly understand what I wrote.
Roxanne in MN
Hi Ashley -
Almost exactly 2 years ago, I posted this on my blog as an open letter to another young mother who was in a very similar situation as you are.
Rather than write a long post here in your comments, I’d just like to invite you to read it, think it over, and contact me if you need someone to talk to.
Thinking of you.
http://cocokrispybeans.wordpress.com/2007/12/18/dear-april/
Mandi: You said “I’m living proof that life goes on after placing a child for adoption. I’m newly married and living in Hawaii and going to finish my degree at some point. It took me a good 4 months to heal, and I did chck myself into a local mental hospital for treatment, amd it helped me work through all the emotions and pain.”
No offense, but come back and talk about how healed you are down the road. In 4 months, I guarantee you did not complete your healing or your working through the emotions and pains of surrendering a child. In a years time, you don’t yet have the chops to talk about how much better it gets.
As noted above by other first mothers, the pain remains, even into that child’s adulthood, and even from otherwise ‘well-adjusted’ first moms.
I’ve now been a first mom for 16 years, and it actually began to slowly get much worse after about 12-13, reaching (what is thus far) a crescendo in the last year or two.
After a year, I too would have said that I had healed and was at peace with my decision. 16 years later, I am often times crushed by the pain of what I did both to my child, and to myself.
as weird as this may seem, i’ve spent the past 3 hours reading all of your blogs up to this one…i’m gonna keep reading too, haha. everything you’ve said is so inspiring & seems like you put so much thought into it. you’re one of the strongest girls i’ve ever come across & just by reading these i feel like i know you, understand you, & want to be there for you. a few of them actually made me cry just thinking about what you must’ve gone through. anyways, i just wannna make sure you know you have made the most selfless decision & you’re truly inspiring to me, & many other girls i’m sure. you put the child first even if it made you sad & for that, i give you more respect than anyone & agree that you made the right decision.