I’ve pretty much regressed.
i slept back in callie & i’s old room
with the heater we used to use
and her blanket
dumb, i know.
i go to bed crying
i wake up crying
nightmares
the only reason I am up right now is because i have to go to work at 4
and i don’t have anyone here this time
i can’t do this.
im probably just going through a bad stage
im done with blogging for a while
Don’t forget – Callie is safe, protected, loved (by you and others), and you’re both going to be OK. I’m sure it hurts right now, but her needs are being more than met, which is more than what a lot of children in this country and around the world have. All things considered, you both have a lot going for you. It’s OK to grieve and hurt, but be confident in the fact that you are both “OK”
Ashley I really want you to know, you can call me. I know you think I only meant support for you if you kept, but genuinely, I am here. I have been there.
It hurts more than anyone who has never been through it could ever imagine. Sometimes people say well meaning things about you being ok. Well, it’s really not ok. It’s a grief that goes on more than any other grief in the world, (and I have been through rape, abuse and death of loved ones…)
Truly. It’s not so much that you’re “ok” as that it’s ok to not be ok. Please continue to reach out to whoever is in your support system. Again, I wish I could have prevented this from happening.
This pain is why I believe family preservation efforts are so important. I CAN see that you needed support that was not in place. You needed family therapy, solutions to day care problems, financial support, and an emotional support system in place to help you parent.
I REALLY want to create a way for this to happen for women so they don’t go through this. If you ever need to e-mail me, or call me please do.
There’s a support board for biological parents over at Origins Canada (google it, if you can’t find it I’ll send you a link).
Bethany Christian forums also provide a support forum for biological parents, but I don’t think it’s as active. There is nightly chat at the Origins Canada forum, and I could meet you there sometime.
Stay strong bbygirl. <3
Focus on the future! Callie’s is bright and promising and so is Ashley’s!!!
I am so sorry, Ashley. I cannot imagine your pain…
@Lorin
can your trashy parents not spell?
why the hell is your name spelled “lorin”
Hey Ashley,
I’m from Singapore. If not for the fact that we are located so faraway from each other, I would have gave you a BIG HUG! You definitely deserve more than that. I really appreciate the presence of your blog.
Despite all the heartwrenching stuffs you went through, you could have chose to close down this blog and shut yourself away from the internet so that those BASTARDS can jolly well shut up!But you didn’t do any of these. Having to deal with these people besides coping with Callie’s matters must have been worse than hell.
Just want to tell you this: Always remember that you are never alone. In other corners of the world, there would always be people who gets heartbroken by what you have to go through but HERE I AM, silently rooting for you!
@jesustulips
Really? you are going to give someone shit because of their name? and especially on this forum. I’m sure ashley doesn’t appreciate people talking shit about one of her good friends.
Excuse me? I am names Lorin because my mother, who died giving births name was Lori. She had originally picked out Lauren but my dad wanted it to be a little more special.
Can your parents not teach you to be respectful about someone elses parents? It’s one thing to talk shit to me and about me but do not talk shit about my fucking parents.
Why the hell are you such a fucking bitch?
Are you too ashamed of your real that you have to put Jesustulips?
Named*
Ash, I am so sorry you and Callie are suffering so much and grieving that mother/child bond that is broken by all of this physical space permanently between you.((((hugs)))
Lorin, what a beautiful honor to your Mom’s legacy for your loving and grieving father to name you that. I love your name and spelling.
go lorin
I think that what your dad did was really sweet and makes your name very special! =]
I know you said you were done with blogging for awhile, but I do hope you have told your mom or a supportive friend how you are feeling. I hope you are okay, Ashley.
Hi Cousin Ashley! It’s Lisa Kuntz. I am not writing to comment on what you have gone through and are going through. I’m writing to tell you that we love you (Leah & I) and God loves you!!! We are all on a journey here on earth and there is only one perfect Judge and that is GOD. I can reassure you that HE loves you unconditionally. When I went through depression that’s when I knew no one could help me & I was all alone just God & I. I cried out “Help me God, I give up trying to do it myself” and HE delivered me. Leah & I always remember taking care of you when you were baby & toddler. We are all God’s creations and He loves us!!! You are in our thoughts and prayers. We have had our trials in life and in this fallen world they are inevitable BUT that’s why there’s Jesus Christ. He’s the only HOPE in the world that offers True Love that no one or anything can give. We love you Ashley Danielle!! Leah and Lisa
“im probably just going through a bad stage”
my heart is breaking to hear that you are going through this. I know what it is like and it is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced. Unfortunately, for over half of us, this “bad stage” lasts for the rest of our lives.
It is called unresolved grief, and because there is no closure with adoption, it can go on forever. It’s not just a stage. And relief for many moms moms comes from either being in a state of shock/numbness from the trauma or “dissociating.” Birthdays and visits and any reminders of our baby bring it all back again.
I pray you can get your baby back and find the support you need to both be together. The adoptees in my life hope for it as well, because none of them want your baby to endure the pain they went thru, even those in ‘open adoption.’ No matter how bad the circumstances, they still wished they were raised by their parents.
ashley, readin your blogs make me cry, tears & tears come out. I never saw you on 16 & preg but idk how I came accross your blogin page. I have a baby boy but I kept him, & when I look at him I can’t imagine life without him. bein a teen mom is hard but the love & happiness it brings to my life is unexplainable. I can’t imagine your pain. be strong. you can do it, if you gave ur baby girl a better home, you made such an UNSELFISH decision, then for sure you can be strong. jus remember, all that pain, its worth it, so callie can have a bteer life.