WOAH. Day 14. It’s been two weeks? It’s really an up and down roller coaster. I feel so bipolar. I can’t live without her. I need her here with me. I’ll give up New York. I don’t care.
It’s not like it could happen anyway.
New York, probably. Or getting her back. I’m so messed up for doing all this. I hate it. I hate the situation. I miss Justin and I have really barely any friends. I do need a new environment. But who cares. I just need MY baby.
Wow, that was all over the place and no one probably knows the half of it. Well, actually people don’t. There are things I can’t mention, really.
Oh, today I took my ACTs. My mind was totally elsewhere. Math was what was going to save me. Math and writing. Writing was good. Math, I went super slow and didn’t get to finish. Reading, eh ok. Still slow. Science…I could NOT concentrate. I don’t know ANYTHING. The questions were so much harder than the practice. My mind was so off. I kept thinking about Callie. I wanted to cry. I almost did. I marked every answer, well maybe 3/4s of it as “C” and “G.” It sucks. It really does. My SATs, I was too big to be comfortable in the desk because of being pregnant with Callie. My ACTs, I wished that I was too big to fit in that desk again with Callie that much closer to me. I’d honestly repeat the whole pregnancy over again. Back to day one when it all happened. I don’t care. I miss her and I want to be close to her.
That sucks I hope you still ended up doing okay on the test. Maybe in situations like that when you’re thinking of Callie and getting sad, try to think of it like you’re doing it for her and that might make you feel better. because she’ll be happy to have a hard working successful mom and it seems like you’re trying to do just that (with working towards college). so maybe thinking of her can motivate you if you try. keep up the good work and it’s good that you are still working towards your goals even though you are dealing with a big burden and pain 24/7.
Giving your child away is not a good thing to do. Finding ways to make it work is something I encourage you to try.
You will never get a chance to do this again. You can never replace her.
Unless you are convinced that being her mother means you will abuse her or seriously ruin her life, go and get your baby and bring her home.
You can work it out as you go. Talk to Rox and other young mothers who have good information for you to make it easier to be her mother.
You will never get this chance again.
It may seem overwhelming to plan your future career goals and your parenting goals so far in advance. Live it day by day and it will be manageable and successful and your life won’t be hampered by your grief and depression like so many birthmoms have. So many plan on college, but never get well enough to go on once the baby is gone. Of course, it is possible that your aunt and uncle will refuse to return her and take you to court, I don’t know. But whatever you chose, I pray and hope you are happy and your daughter is happy. I hope you are the one to teach her to ride a tricycle, send her off to kindergarden and to enjoy next Christmas morning with her opening gifts, and mostly sticking the bows on her head.lol
KimKim you’re not helping her with those “words of encouragement”.
This kid is in serious pain already, and you’re compounding it by projecting your ideas on how *you* would handle it. We might not agree with what she ends up doing in the end, that said, it is not up to us{or anyone for that matter} to tell her that what she did was a “bad thing”.
Really KimKim?? how’s life like up there on that high horse of yours? Must be nice!
Ashley, my thoughts are with you and your child. Whatever you end up doing, I hope it brings peace and love to the both of you. And for what it’s worth, I have a lot of friends who are adopted{so does my partner, we both thought that was interesting}
These people we know are happy, well adjusted individuals who have an immense love for their adoptive families. Best of luck to you on your school work, and everything else in your life!!!
Ashley, I want you to know that I am available to talk to your mother, and your aunt and uncle about what we ALL learned and didn’t know about adoption going into. My adoptive parents believed deeply that adoption would give my daughter a better life. They found after watching the suffering I went through and I after seeing how well I have been able to parent my son as a single parent, that their views have changed dramatically. They still believe adoption can be a good thing, if a parent is on drugs, will likely be abusive, or truly doesn’t want to give up everything to be a good parent.
But being young and single? Even my conservative adoptive parents who benefited greatly be getting to raise me, would tell me to parent my daughter if they could go back in time.
When they pushed adoption as hard as they possibly could, they had no idea what a painful journey we were going on. They had no idea that they would later hear my daughter say to me in front of them, “But I want to live with you? Why couldn’t you have kept me?”
Followed by, “But you can still be a good mom even if you don’t have a house, or a husband, or money. I wish you had kept me.”
At five.
The good news is that her adoptive mother loves her deeply and she IS is a safe loving home. That hasn’t “fixed” the separation. That hasn’t changed just has painful this all is, and how when it’s all been said and done, it doesn’t really make sense. She would have had things she’s missed out on in her adoptive family if I had parented her.
I really want you to know, I know you feel that I am “only to support you if you keep” but that isn’t the case. I want you to keep because so far you haven’t said anything that makes me think you are at risk of abusing your daughter, and I know how much pain you are in for.
But I think you may have noticed that I care about what you and your daughter are going through no matter which direction you go. Part of why I care is because I was there, in a very similar situation, saying some of the same things you have said about wanting your daughter to have a two parent home, and wanting her to have something BETTER than just an adequate home. Something better than what all those children of single mothers have.
And I’ve also gone through eight years of research on what single parents are capable of, how to create a healthy stable consistant homelife for your child even as a single parent, how to find solutions to avoid using day care and get to spend more time with your child.
I would love to share any of this with you if you are interested.
Ashley- I have been a *itch before, simply because you weren’t listening to anyone. You pretended to know everything about what was best! You had NO idea how you were going to feel! I tried to explain to you as well as many other people, but you refused to listen! Soooo many things swayed your decision to adoption. I’m not saying someone forced you, no one did, but people swayed your decision is so many ways and you refused to see that as well. Why didn’t you listen to people who had been in your shoes, people who had been through the exact situation you have now put yourself in? If you would have just listened and seriously taken in everyones’ advice, I believe your decision would have been different!
Its clear you love Callie! But what you don’t see as clear is that she needs you more than anything or anyone in this world! I feel your pain, totally and completely and it hurts me that you feel this way because I felt that pain not too long ago! Its hard as hell being a parent, but its also the most rewarding thing you will ever do! Nothing can ever compare to the joys of parenting! Everyday when my 20 week old daughter stares at me as if she’s trying to figure out everything I’m doing so she can learn, every time she smiles as me, every time she “talks” to me, every time she laughs, everything…it just all makes me the happiest person in this world! If I would have left her where she was, I can almost gaurantee I would be in a seriously depressing state of mind and not be a good wife and mother. I wasn’t good when I didn’t have her! I needed her…she needed me! Just as you need Callie and she needs you!
Get your daughter back! Who cares what anyone else thinks or feels! She is YOUR daughter, this is YOUR decision, and YOURS and CALLIE’S lives…no one elses! You can do it, I have faith in you!
I second what KimKim, Rox, and Stephanie have already said.
Ashley, IF YOU CAN GET YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!
There are so many of us here willing to help you! Man-I’d even take you in! You and your daughter!:)We’ve been in your shoes. Some have surrendered, some have parented, we’re here to help you!
None of us know the whole situation, as you said, but your words tear us apart.
As you know, I will be here for you no matter what you decide.
SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER!!! YOU ARE HER MOTHER!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Some of you are so hateful? And for what? This is not your baby nor your decision so sit down somewhere. Especially you Kimkim, sorry your mommy was a bitch to you or whatever your hang up is but you really need to stop trying to make your story Ashley’s story because it’s not. I also suggest you & your little buddy joy21 take a step back from the internet & seek some help because you both seem to be projecting some misplaced anger onto a girl you don’t even know.
Ashley -it is only natural that you are hurting & want her with you & it’s ok for you to feel that. This is all still new & will take some time. I suggest you talk with that counselor that you were seeing as I’m sure they have resources that can help you through this & come to some sort of peace with your decision. I also think you should reach out to Catelyn if you can since she’s been through this recently on tv too. Either way talk to someone. I know it’s hard to see it now but you are so much stronger than you think you are. you did a brave & selfless thing for your daughter & it is ok for you to hurt.
As for the neg comments, ignore them. People love to bitch about anything. half of the people bitching are probably doing so because today ended in -day. Seriously turn your comments off, don’t read them, don’t respond. You don’t have to/need to explain or defend yourself to the peanut gallery here
ThedaBara, it’s obvious that Ashley is missing her daughter and should bring her home.
My life is amazing thank you for asking. I am totaly lucky in that I love my work, am happily married and have worked hard to not be sabotaged by adoption loss anymore. Being in reunion has helped with that.
Really though how do you think encouraging a mother to live a life time of loss is a good thing? Perhaps you are the one who is coming from the wrong place? Neither of us really know.
If this is what you believe then by all means speak from your heart and I will do the same.
All I know is that if I could go back to the hospital and bring my baby home I would. I know how scared I was a teenage mother, the idea of raising her was daunting. I didn’t realize what a strong person I was then.
Ashley may well be just needing to hear from a mother who was her age once in the same situation.
It’s good to hear the voice of experience don’t you think? Or do you also have 25 years experience with adoptionn loss?
Thedabara, try this. While many adoptees are content to tell people they know, (yes, even close family members and friends they’ve had for years and years) that they are “super duper!” happy about being adopted, most adoptees I know in the split of a second will poor out emotion the second I mention, “I know there’s more feelings than that, I’m adopted too.”
I’m just saying, most adoptees know that what we are supposed to say it, “I am thankful and happy my adoptive parents are nice and everything about this is good. The end, praise god.”
There is ALWAYS more to it than that. That being said, I believe that adoptees can be well adjusted happy people. I believe that children of single mothers can be well adjusted happy people. I have seen people who suffered deep abuse as children grow up and become well adjusted happy people.
That doesn’t mean anything in relation to whether or not the person misses their biological family. As adoptees we don’t KNOW what it would be like if we had had them. So it’s easy to just think, “Ok whatever”
And yet then there’s reunion. Or then you give birth to a child and you think, my god. I can’t believe I was ever separated from my mother. I can’t believe anyone pressured her to give me up as “the most loving option” Or because “their best friend is adopted and really loves it”
Guess what, I know like over 200 people from single parent homes who are happy and well adjusted so therefore, that’s how all children of single mothers feel.
(Or not?)
I disagree with presuming you truly understand adoptees feelings even if they have told you they are “happy”. You very well don’t know the whole picture.
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/SmilingAdoptees.html
For the record I don’t think that because adoptees often miss their bioparents it means all adoptees are doomed. I do however think it means it’s silly to tell Ashley to place because adoptees are “all super happy about it”
Hi Ashley, hope you are feeling better. I am an adoptee and adoptive mom if you ever want to email me with questions.
Can’t you live with your aunt and uncle and go to school there? I am sure they will support you and allow you to be a Mom to Callie? Sounds like you do not have support at home with your mom. Go be with your daughter. You are missing precious time. Life is so sweet. Being happy with your daughter in your life everyday is more important. You are 18 not 16! Enjoy your life, be with your daughter, find people to support you.
I agree that you might talk with your aunt and uncle about co-parenting. They have the legal right to do whatever they want at this point (30 days after signing I think in Texas but I could be wrong).
Whatever terms they would have about you being in Callies life, or living with them, I suggest you take whatever they’re willing to give you and hop on that plane if you can!
That would be an extra special situation, Ashley. If they would do that, Callie could have you and the your aunt and uncle that you are so fond of in her life. Good idea Heidi! Plus then you wouldn’t have to come up to the cold tundra of WI by me!
J/K
If you think it’s possible…check it out!
Ashley- I know it tough to read these comments…but I just want to tell you that no matter what anyone says….you are noble, brave, and courageous!!! To even consider adoption is a SELFLESS thought and I disagree with others saying you are immature. It takes a VERY MATURE person to want the very best for your child and realize that you cant do that but are willing to search for people who can. Its awesome that you didnt have to search to far in choosing your Aunt and Uncle!! Now you can always be in your daughter’s life and see first hand how she is doing. Your awesome! Keep your head up Hon, things will be ok!
Ashley, do what YOU think is right, what you FEEL is right… It is better for both of you that you take the decision you are comfortable with.
Is there any middle ground ? Would her adoptive family (your aunt and uncle) want to to help you too ? Would you consider living with them ?
There are always solutions, but the most important thing is for YOU to be comfortable with everything…
You are not a drug addict, not irresponsible, etc. Do not listen do the catastrophists who believe every single action may be detrimental to children. Trust me, it does not work like that. The most important thing now, is for you to feel comfortable with the situation whatever you choose it to be.
You people, Callie was legally adopted. It’s not like she is just staying at ashley’s aunt and uncle’s house. It is not like she can legally just take her back.
To Ashley, I believe you did a totally selfless, amazing thing. Keeping a baby while knowing she would have a better life with your aunt and unlce, although that would have been okay too, would have been the selfish, immature thing to do. I think your story is amazing and I am so sorry random people keep trying to hurt you by throwing their pathetic life stories at you. I hope you get the chance to follow all of your dreams, go to New York and have a family of your own someday (if that is what you choose).
best of luck!
-Lora
Also, to those of you who are reccomending she move in with her aunt and uncle to “coparent” Callie: Ashley stated more than once that that situation is exactly what she wanted to avoid. She wants her daughter to grow up with a true Mother and Father figure. She said she grew up in a somewhat similar situation with her mother and grandmother and it caused tension. Do you all not see that she really is doing what she belives is the absolute best for her baby girl?
I know what you;re going through. I gave my son up for adoption when he was 3 weeks old. I hate that I had that time to bond with him. I miss him so much and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry…and it’s been almost 2 months. I don’t know your full story, but I’m going through the pain with you, and if you ever want to talk, I will listen.