Death Cab – Marching Bands of Manhattan
First of all, I want to thank the people with the amazing comments. I don’t have time to respond to them all, but know that they do touch me and help a lot. I really appreciate it so much. I will try my hardest to respond. So much has been going on. Sorry I haven’t written, though.
I had a wonderful and amazing trip to New York for the first time. I visited an awesome college that I would love to go to. New York is so me. I was with some of the other girls from the show and it was sad because they all had something to go home to. I feel like I had nothing. I cried because I didn’t want to leave. New York keeps me sane, it seems like. Not totally, but somewhat. I just feel so distracted. I’m afraid I just feel that way because it’s brand new. A brand new place. I just know that I have always wanted to go and now that I have, I know it is where I want to be. I think, at least. No matter if I go to school here, I will still end up there. I love it there. I finally feel that i belong somewhere. New York is my “home.” That is what I feel. I need to be there. It is so fast paced and different. There is really no explaining it. It’s not like the movies or pictures. You just have to see it for yourself.
Today was a rough, rough day. Maybe because I didn’t have much to distract me and I had a huge, huge unbelievable breakdown. I feel psycho every time. I really, really do. I feel like life is not worth living without her, but I have to because I have to make her proud. It is too late to do anything about getting her back, now. No matter how bad I want to or how quick I would give up New York for her. I love her. She is my life. Some days I just don’t want to keep going. I want to lay in bed forever and cry and not go on with life. I feel like dying, some days, too, to be honest. She is beautiful. She is my baby and it is so unfortunate things had to be this way. Honestly, I am not sure if this is the best decision for me. Or her. I don’t know. No, I am not going to become a psycho internet predator, trying to convince others to not experience the pain I am. Adoption might be right for some people. It might not. Some people are just stronger than I am or ever will be. All I know is I miss her and I love her and I am so lost still. Really, truly am. This picture is the first picture I asked for earlier before I decided to write this. Thats all the guts I have had so far. I feel like I’m wasting time and being a wimp for not sucking it up and just going to see her. I feel so weak. Oh well. I love you, Callie.
“You’ll always be my number one girl.” -
Comes from me and somebody else that cares very, very much for you as well.
Here are links to my NY pictures and some photography:
MoMA : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=393082&id=716040159&l=55df521d92
New York : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=392135&id=716040159&l=2287eee9ab
Your baby girl is precious. You are so wonderful for being so selfless and giving Callie a life you knew you would be unable to give her. Stay strong!!! <3
Hi Ashley,
i actually cant wait to watch your episode on 16 & Pregnant!! anyways im sorry once again
I have written on here before(nasty comment) but apoligized to you on Facebook.. I was out of line and just wanted to say that Callie is soooooo beautiful, she’s a little gem
Callie is so beautiful, and you are amazing.
Ashley,
I’m happy to hear NY treated you well, I hope you can move and make your life there someday like you want; you deserve to be happy! Anyways, I’m glad to see you are blogging again, I enjoy reading your work..and I’m sure it is helpful to those in situations similar to yours. I know it has helped me, and I’m not even stuck in that kind of situation. By the way, your photography is breathtaking (and so is Callie, of course!)
Best wishes,
-Lora
Ashley,
I want to tell you that you are an amazing person. Reading your blog has touched me so much; I’ve found myself tearing up at your hardships and the decisions you’ve had to make, and I think that you’re such a strong person to be able to do what you did. I don’t have any children, nor am I expecting, so I can’t say that I’ve gone through things like you have, but I’ve had problems in my life and I often find myself not knowing which direction to turn. I’m 21 and I’ve done little with my life so far, and reading your work has inspired me to make myself a better me.
I hope that you keep writing; I really love reading your stuff. I’m also really happy that you’ll be doing the 16 and Pregnant show, that your story will be out there for more of the world to see, because you are truly a role model. I think that you really put your heart on your sleeve with this blog and with the show, and I admire that, and admire you greatly. Thank you for putting yourself out here and letting so many of us connect with you; I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels the way I do. Stay strong, I know that you are hurting right now, but everything will work itself out.
-Ayla
i like this entry =D
i think it’s cool how you new york is good for you like you imagined.
nice pics too =D
your pictures make me want to go to new york
Love you galfriend. It’ll b ok. Promise
I loved NYC when I went, I can relate to what you say when you say it feels like home, everything about that place makes you feel like it was always waiting for you! I loved it !! You are working through a difficult time you are not BIPOLAR you poor thing, you feel what you feel and hey at least you have feelings and know you are not at all coming off as some cold person with no heart. Try to Dust yourself off each day and go forward even if it leads into days where you just cry, don’t deny yourself feeling what you feel, where is the education in that?? lol….suck up each day to keep going….You are learning about the person you need to be NOW because of Callie, who is ohhh soo cute by the way, I just want to pinch those cheeks she is oh soo mushy mushy adorable! You have that open door to go see her and when you can you will ….you are lucky to have that connection remain open, even though circumstances still have you in the “Birth Mother” role, you are in her life always. Follow your dreams kiddo aim high and know so many are rooting for you and once again I send you that great big virtual “HUG!”………Take care doll!
XOXO