Something Corporate – Break Myself
“Well, I’m willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I’m willing to bleed for days my… reds and grays
So you don’t hurt so much”
It’s about 5:30 AM my time. 5:32. I can’t sleep. My sleeping habits got back to normal. I was really starting to go to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up alright. I was going about my day like it was nothing and just whatever. Now, I just started crying and every night I have thoughts about everything going on, but like I said before. The sadness, or “depression” comes and goes in phases. It’s come back. I put my 2 weeks into work and that used to be the only thing keeping me going and helping me to actually get up. After I’m done working, I don’t feel like I’m going to ever want to get out of bed. Either I’ll stay awake for days at a time like I used to, with a couple hours of sleep or just sleep a lot. Whichever one, until the hurt passes again. Callie really has no idea how hard it really is to go through this. She’s just so happy and I am so happy for her but I also feel jealous that I can never be the one to give her that. I can later for my “future” kids if i EVER decide to have any, but never for her. It won’t be fair and I feel like I’ll always feel guilty. I know some might say I did give that to her for what I did, but I’m not physically doing it, so it’s not the same. It really makes me feel worthless. I just miss and need my baby. She’d be in the next room over, listening to jack johnson or some other type of mellow music to go to sleep. I can’t even listen to that stuff without crying almost. I really thought I was getting better, but, I’m really not. I look fine on the outside, yeah. But on the inside I’m really dying. I still can’t handle seeing those stupid rich moms at walmart with their babies and kids who don’t know how good they have it. The ones who are really mean to their kids, I want to say something to, because they don’t know how fortunate they are. Maybe since it’s my last week, I will. It’s really none of my business, though. But anyway, I wish I could redo that month that I had her. Not only because I was so happy for her to always be with me and the feeling that no matter where I went, I had something WONDERFULLLL to come home to but also because I feel like I was such a horrible wanna-be mom. Seriously. I sucked at it. I tell myself that I did good, but I really did really awful. I think I’ll live with tons of regret that New York, my own book, and a good college education can’t fix.
Other than that, I’m working on my book, in hopes of helping others and I also hope that Callie will be able to see it one day and understand, and not completely hate me.
Goodnight. Er, morning.
I know anything I say can’t really help you. I’m not trying to think I can take your hurting away. But I’m really very sorry you feel like this, I can’t begin to imagine what it would feel like if I had been in your place, young with a child and needing to do what’s best for her even though it would hurt me so greatly.
Honeslty I don’t think I could ever be selfless enough to do that. I really admire you, and I hope you can feel more at peace in the future ):
Callie is beautiful, btw.
I think those of us who are rooting for you and your over all well being ( or at least I do) but that is to say ( or write) sonething that makes Miss Ashley “all better now” whoever that may be we all want you better. For me rooting for you, I think from reading your post I finally get that you may not ever be ok and no one could understand that magnitude of what it is to walk personally in YOUR shoes. To tell you you will be ok , kind of feels like I’m telling you to erase the “now” of what you are going through and fast forward already, which is a horrble thing to take away from you. To do better is to do better and to push you past the lessons of life is unfair for anyone to put on you. You write so well with so much heart and maturity it’s hard not to feel for you. I think you will likely never be the same , but you are walking through this journey with great poise taking all the good with the bad and you are dealing incredibly well considering, you might not ever recover from this heart ache, but those of us rooting for you who have lived through our own personal hardships I can promise that you will get to a place where you come to a point of peace, where you can allow yourself grieving moments and be ok with any guilt where the relm of unknown makes sense and all this will not be in vain. Here I am feeling old as ma-ma-moses and yet I can relate to your words for totally different reasons, my point is that you connect to people you have a great voice that reaches people. You may feel you sucked as a wanna be mom, I honestly do not think you are, though you can not be present in Callie’s life, it’s apparent in her pictures she is full of life and in no certain terms your choice was no doubt hard, but the life you gave her will be plentiful and you are more maternal then you give yourself credit for. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers, I wish you so much success, keep your chin up and press on girly. Get that book done, go on a wonderful book signing tour and should you end up on the west coast no doubt I’d stand in line to have you sign my copy and give you that Big Hug! Take care and be well!
XOXO
Oh girly, please use your mental “spell check ” on my post, like you Im on the wrong side of the clock, which also means the illiterate side
I really cant wait to see your show. I really want to understand and know your story better. I just came back from New York City and New Jersey to visit family and tour the city. I dropped 1,000 bucks in transportation and food alone in a whole weeks worth. Of course, i brought a party of 2 with me. But I was disgusted with the prices i feel like the prices keep getting worse. I really hope your financially stable to make it in New York. My best advice to you is to spend wisely and kick that depression out of your system. Either by Zoloft or diet and exercise. NY is no joke, your going to need a tuff mind set and your going to need to focus 100 percent on your studies. I wish you all the success in the world, if you can make it in NY you can make it anywhere. Callie will be proud.
Don’t say you were a bad mom. Mothering comes natural in time. You didn’t really give yourself a chance. Over time you just figure out what to do, you adjust. Anyway, best of luck to you, hope you heal.
I hope you start coming to terms with this and heal, I know Callie will be so proud of you for what you’ve done, and writing a book will help her understand this alot better. Good Luck
Can’t wait to see your episode!
hey I didn’t know you listened to something corporate. that’s cool =)