i can’t remember the last time I was happy.
i can’t remember the last time I actually laughed.
i can’t remember the last time I actually cared enough to go out and get something.
I can’t remember being happy before Callie.
I can’t remember being happy after Callie.
Maybe I was happy the moment she was born because she was finally here,
but then again one of the fist things that ran through my head was that she was only going to be mine for 2 days…if that.
seriously. i’m depressed beyond belief. even without seeing Justin in months, he told me I was depressed.
I want to fix myself for her…
But sometimes I feel like just giving up. Going to NY. Partying all the time. Stupid, I know. Not caring about anything. Not about consequences, or being responsible. It’s a new place. I can start over. Maybe I will. I just need to be happy, i guesss.
I don’t know what to do. I guess New York won’t help. Moving closer won’t help. It will only piss me off. Jealousy will really eat you alive. I’ll be ten times more depressed than I am now. I feel like I don’t want to be here, but I’d never do anything stupid. 1. I feel like I have a future..maybe. 2. Callie.
I’m just so lost.
ashley, i hope you can learn to focus on the positive. it’s all you can do. i still really admire you for going through with your schooling plans even though you aren’t happy. that is a good thing to do =) just remember all the people supporting you like your family, friends and fans.
I know you have a blog so she can see when she’s older but have you considerred writing a journal or doing a hope chest for her. (and for you) It might help you get stuff off your mind and give you a chance to tell her everything you want to tell her. Going to school still is a great choice! Honestly, you will feel more accomplished soon.
It will get better, but in the mean time, it might get a little worse. Just keep your chin up.