back home

i went to california for a few days with my grandparents just to take a vacation.  we got back and i’m crying already.  i got the best sleep  while i was there, and now it’s 3:25 and I still can’t sleep.  I have a room I have to share with my sister, no more privacy.  my stuff was used that had never been open, and she is MAKING it known that its “HER ROOM.”  What a welcome.  I am not getting along with anybody here and i’m crying my first hour back.  I have nothing here for me in texas.  I was so sad to leave california.  as sad as I was to leave NY.  I thought it was because i loved NY so much, but the truth is, its because at home there is no peace.  i can’t sleep, i can’t “function.”  everything about me is screwed up.  i’m not sleeping tonight.  good thing i can leave in 2 days and see callie again.  but that is even sad.  i’ve been wanting her back.  i’m almost thinking about not going, but that won’t help.   i hate visits with her.  i don’t feel right or at peace.  i mean, i do, and i’m very happy the way she’s being taken care of, but the uneasiness outweighs the peacefulness.  this is going to be a long couple of months before i leave. and i’m starting to realize that new york wont fix anything