yesterday, i had the worst breakdowns i’ve ever had, i think. and now i’m visiting callie. i need some extreme help. visiting her doesn’t even make me happy anymore. i feel like this is really destroying me little by little. actually, a lot, by a lot. just over and over, never stopping. it makes me so sad that I don’t feel right even visiting. something just isn’t right with me.
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I wish I knew you, I wish I could help you. If there is someone who is unbiased, you need to talk to them. Spill out everything. I hope you can clear your mind and “get back on track”. It seems difficult to do, but it’ll come soon enough. I wish you strength.
Ashley, I’m so worried for you. If you ever need someone to talk to…someone who won’t judge you, won’t pretend to know how to solve everything, but someone who will just listen…I’m always here. I so hope things start looking up for you!
I deal with this feeling as well. That feeling of not being good enough, or being a failure…etc. etc. Ashley, what you need to remember is that you did what you knew was right, and that Callie will love you regardless of who her ‘parents’ are. You gave her the opportunity to have a stable home, and you gave yourself the opportunity to go to school, and give your future children a stable home. God never gives anyone something they can not handle, and you will come out on the other end of this experience/depression a better stronger person. You are experiencing the emotions that will cross you in life all at once, rather then over the years and I am sure it is over whelming. Just remember that in your darkest times that your parents love you, and that Callie loves you. You guys will have a relationship one day, and you’ll be able to explain to her why you made the decision you made.
Hi Ashley,
I have been reading your blog since the beginning, and recently your posts have really worried me. Please talk to a therapist who could help you more than writing it out. Please help yourself and by doing so it will help Callie. If you want to talk to a complete stranger there are hundreds here that you can talk to ! dont feel that you have to do this by yourself, talk to someone. i hope this whole thing gets better for you.
Hi Ashley, first i need to talk:
I admire that you needed to talk as mother and woman. You are the true mother, the one who seeks the best for your baby girl. The contact between all of you will continue in the future, She will know that you only sought the best for her.
I understand that you are passing by, but do not blame yourself, oscillations of humor that are acceptable in your situation, you’re fighting with yourself, but do not blame yourself, that soon passes, try to think that she is being well cared and that you can see her anytime.
Sorry for my poor english, but i’m brazillian girl, and i don’t write english.
Kisses from Brazil by Kelly Bittencourt
Please go consult a therapist. You’ve been needing it for a while. There’s only so much you can do by yourself. Seek professional help. you won’t be the first mom who had to give up their child that they meet. They have tools for you. Now is the best time to seek help. You can do this ! Seeking help is the first step to healing.
Your recent posts are breaking my heart, I have been through a similar situation.. it is truly unbearable and I wish I could offer advice, but I don’t know what to say. I wish you all the best.
I do suggest you get in contact with Tyler and Caitlynn, they may be able to help you out.
Sweet Ashley….
You have been through hell and back way too many times! Not only that, but you just had a baby and your hormones are still out of whack. I would be a complete basket case if I were in your shoes! You do need to see your doctor! I wish I was closer to you, I’m in Houston. I would love to be able to help u with Callie. I think it’s such a blessing that God chose YOU to be her momma. I don’t think you’re selfish if u make the choice to keep Callie. Callie will not love you any less if I keep her. You’re her momma.
I had my daughter at 18… It’s been tough at times, but well worth it! You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Seriously, if you’d like to talk, as crazy as it sounds, u can call me.
I’m another one who has been reading this blog for a while, and I’m another one who would highly recommend talking with a therapist. Particularly if you could find one who specializes in adoption-related issues.
I was in therapy for three years for other issues, and it has been the only thing in my life that helped me get on track. I’m not saying it’s magic or a cure-all, it is damn hard work sometimes, but it helped so, so much. I went in skeptical, miserable, and ready to die, and came out a functioning human being. It took 3 years, but it was so worth it, and so nice to be HEARD.
I can’t imagine being in your shoes, and I think the best possible thing you could do for yourself would be to find the help you deserve. You don’t deserve to feel like shit for the rest of your life, you really don’t.
Ashley i wish i could help you. I can almost relate to your situation because im a teenager, althought i don’t have any kids, but still we both know how hard it is to be a teen nonerless be responsible for another human. I know your going to move to New York soon, and i live in New York. So maybe we could be friends. Ill help you throught it! Stay strong. E-mail me at Stephanie_Segura@hotmail.com if you want me to be your first New York friend
Hang in there…. There comes a point when things can only get better. You’re almost there.