i have a confession to make. I don’t even know why I’m letting this out. I think I need to get it off of my chest. Not many people know. Many will judge me for it and many will think more of me. I know that if I was someone from the outside, I would think…what the hell is this girls problem? She really is nuts, crazy, or psycho…stupid. Well, my grandparents offered me to come live with them and raise Callie, and I cry as I write this because I didn’t take that offer. Many of you might say, good for you, because that still wouldn’t be ideal for a child…that they need better. But my grandparents’ is a great place, nice house, same town as my aunt and uncle, they are successful, it would have been okay. But, I think that I was just selfish as hell and I can’t even think of words to describe it…stupid. I’m sharing this because I think all of the positive comments I am getting aren’t true or fair. I don’t deserve it. I deserve ridicule and hurtful comments like I used to get from everybody. And the reason that they hurt me so much is because I knew deep down everything that everyone said was true. That I’m not a mom, I’m worthless, I couldn’t do it, I’m selfish, Callie is better off without me, etc. I think this will be the last time I write, for a while, but everyone will know how I am…depressed, not happy, wanting to just end everything every day but living without the strength to do so. Just “getting by” every day. Barely living…truth is, I was depressed before this, but not nearly as bad. This messed me up and pushed me way over the edge. Yeah, I could get “help,” maybe I will, but I don’t see how that will help. All they want is their paycheck and they don’t understand firsthand. If I find someone in my situation who can counsel me, they might say like all of the rest how great their situation is, and how it turned out, and I think I have the best situation of all situations…but i’m not ready to hear anything good. I’m not ready to hear anything bad either. I sort of just want to sit there and trash talk about adoption and all of the biased adoption agencies, non profit or not. I really STILL don’t know what was right and what was wrong, all I know is that I was wrong. And sometimes, I think I could be sitting here with Callie as my own and be saying the same thing…that I was wrong and selfish to keep her, but I will never know that, will I? Whatever. I’ve had it. I’m exhausted. I have no sleep. The slightest movements kill my head. I’m just so tired and out of it. Anyway, I’m over it for now.
Goodbye.
There is no easy solution for your situation.. but you are still a mother, you gave Callie life, and that is the most important gift of all. I do agree that most psychologists often don’t understand the situation and only offer what they believe will solve the problem, but the problem will never be solved until you come to terms with it. In the end, you did do the right thing for Callie. You gave her to a family who could give her everything she needed.
I really wish there was a way for you to be able to do everything and raise Callie on your own, but it doesn’t seem that way.. it’s okay to ask for and accept help, as long as you don’t get greedy or lazy. No one can manage completely on their own, and it seems that you love Callie too much to be without her… so be a part of her life. She will always know you’re her real mommy, and you can do as much as you can for her. Different types of people can handle giving up their babies, other types form too strong of a bond, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Your situation was incredibly stressful, and you were thinking with all the best intentions.. but don’t be so hard on yourself.
You aren’t worthless or selfish.. you’re one of the strongest mothers there are. You always think for the best for your child, and that is the most important thing there is. I will continue to hope for the best for you, please keep your head up.
Being a mother doesn’t always mean being the one who raises your child. Being a mother is always trying to do what’s right for your child, whether it ends up being right or not. Being a mother is sacraficing yourself sometimes so your child can have a good life. Being a mother is having unconditional love for your child. Being a mother is always being there for her, no matter what. Being a mother is doing whatever it takes to make your child happy and healthy.
You ARE a mother.
Just because she’s not there with you, you’re her mother. You will be forever. And whether she understands everything you did or not (which I’m sure she will), you know you always did try to do what’s right for her. And you ARE a great person. You deserve to be told so.
You will make mistakes, you will question things, you will not always be perfect. But you have good intentions and a good heart. And I really, really look up to you. I’m not a mother, but I look up to you as a PERSON. You’re wonderful. I hope you’re okay.
Ashley, I am sixteen, have no children, and haven’t been in your situation, but, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how tough placing your child up for adoption must be. Although, you are very lucky to have been able to place her within the family. You are wrong about something though: You don’t deserve ridicule. People have no life and are unhappy with theirs, so they pick on you. If they were happy with themselves, they wouldn’t be saying rude things to you. No one has a right to judge you or your family. They don’t know them, you do. In my opinion, you did the right thing for Callie. She is a beautiful baby girl, and she is blessed two have not one, but two mothers. You ARE a mother. You could have terminated the pregnancy, you chose not to. No, you don’t have legal obligation to Callie, but you gave her the gift of life and chose a better life for her. You two will always share a maternal bond and she will always be your daughter. I hope that you heal soon, and I wish you the best of luck in college in the fall.
Honestly, it’s understandable that you should be depressed at this point. You made a mistake that caused you to conceive a child, I praise you for following through with the pregnancy because you gave life to a beautiful baby girl. I don’t understand why you did not keep your daughter. Sure, you would have had it tough and she could have a better life else where, but either way she is your responsibility. If you had the support like you say you do from your family, then of course you would have struggled at times but in the end, you would be a family with your daughter.
At this point though you have made the decision to allow your aunt and uncle to raise your daughter as their own. I know personally that it is much harder to have an open adoption and such a close one like you do. But it is too late now to go through a closed adoption which would allow you to be cut off from your daughter and just go on like it never happened.
You are going to be depressed, you are going to struggle, you are going to think that life just isn’t worth it. But seriously, just suck it up. You have an adorable girl that you are the mother to yet she also has parents that are together and that love her dearly. Cherish that. Cherish the fact that you know Callie is safe and in good hands. If you can’t handle it, then you need to move on with your own life and enjoy your time in New York. I don’t think that you should stop writing in your blog, writing is a great outlet for everything that you are feeling.
Good luck with everything, and I wish only the best for Callie.
This confession doesn’t make me feel any less of you. You are hurting so much I can feel it. As you know, I know that pain, but not for as long as you have been dealing with it. I wish you would seek some help. I understand what you are referring to as far as counceling. I went to one and SHE HAD NO CLUE what I was dealing with, I never returned. I strongly feel your best resource for help is going to be other mothers that have relinguished their rights. Goto the ones that KNOW what it’s like to be in your shoes! Asking for help isn’t a bad thing, you need to be able to express your feelings, grief, guilty etc. It’s probably never going to go away, but you will learn how to get through the bad times. Please think about reaching out for some advice from other mothers that are/were in your shoes. Send me an email if you would like me give you some names/sites that may help you.
As always I am here for you as well.
My thoughts and heart are with you!!
You are not a person who deserves ridicule. You are a person who deserves help and who deserves a chance to be OK again. Not all therapists are in it for a paycheck, because not all of them are paid a shit ton of money, and there really are ones out there who care.
What stopped you from accepting your grandparents offer?
I know what you’ve been through has been really hard. You had to make so many big decisions that a young girl should not have to make. But, honestly, why parade your personal life on TV? You had a baby, and it should not be condoned with a TV show. There’s people that do everything right with their life and make the right decisions, but they don’t get a TV show. More specifically, they don’t get a scholarship to college. People that studied their butt of all through high school have to go to community college because they cant afford a good university. You have a baby as a teenager and get a good education, and took money from a kid that could have needed it and probably someone that wasn’t so suicidal and posts their entire life on the internet and tv.
You really need to get some help and talk to someone. Lets just put it this way, let the professional do their job. For example, your not going to let the tiers of your car wear off and tear away? No, you take it to a certified garage and get it fixed before if throws you off the road. Sure, they want their money too but they’re there to do a job.
I recommend getting a woman therapist with high credentials. A good therapist is there to give you the tools to manage your behavior. The decisions you are making now are going to affect you for the rest of your life. Dont just sit around and feel sorry for yourself and have people bash you or feel pitty for you. Stand up for yourself. Who cares if your being selfish in wanting her back. You take her back and you hold your head up high. IF you dont, than you dont. You go on with your life and you make the best of it. But, please talk to someone who will help you rationalize and analyze your decisions.
TAKE THE OFFER!!!! youll see your beautiful baby everyday
So why can’t you stop all of the hurt and live with your grandparents and raise Callie? You could go to school during the day, apply for aid, work part time. Maybe Justin will help financially. You guys are still together right? It seems like your family loves you and wants to help, I am sure your aunt and uncle would help you as well. Everyone keeps saying it is going to get easier but you are always going to have that ache for her. Your mom seems to be busy with her own life, move on with yours and do what YOU want. You still have choices. Even if you move closer to Callie and show your aunt and uncle and grandparents that you are serious about being a mom. They can’t deny you that. Life may be happier for you if you stop beating yourself up. No one is expected to raise a child on their own, your family should support you and help you. Sounds like and ideal situation to me, its only been 6 months, if you are ever going to do something to be closer to Callie now is the time. Well anyway you go, I wish you the best. I wish you had more support from the begininng. Sounds like you did a lot of what you thought everyone else wanted. You are longing for your daughter and you are old enough to do it with support and help. Five years from now you will look back at all of this and breathe a sigh of relief not regret. YOU can have it ALL! Moms do it everyday, school, work, and family. In the end the kids turn out just fine, especially with help from your FAMILY!!!! Go for it!
Ashley,
if you don’t try a psychologist you’ll never know if he/she cares or not. Being a grown up does not mean going to NYU. It means taking care of oneself. Going to the doctor if something is wrong. It is very possible that you have post-partum depression. Even if you find that psychologist does not help, they can give you medication that help you go one with the basics of life and give you time to think your issues over. Depression is an illness, nothing to be ashamed of. You have to take the first step and go consult. One consultation. Try it at least.
You had a baby and even without the adoption you have all the legitimacy to go see a doctor. But go consult, please. I can’t read here anymore, it makes me mad to see people telling you not to consult. Too many people I know have delayed the process with dire consequences. Take care of yourself, be responsible.
What are you doing exactly? How were you doing before your pregnancy? Callie shouldn’t kill you, obviously something is going wrong, you gave her up pbb thinking you wouldn’t have to give up your youth but you already lost it. You need to stop being dramatic and realize this is your life your talking about, and your life is as important as Callie s life, so get your things together, and do something. You are killing yourself right now, and you won t be doing any better until you quit hesitating. Did you think about seeking help from a doctor? If you don’t want to take her back ( because you can apparently ), you need to go talk to someone, you can’t be this depressed all the time.
Hi Ashley, I came to your website 2 or 3 times and this last time I was very sad for your situation. When u decided to give your baby girl up for adoption I was quite surprised by that. Even if u can not give you a life as good as anyone would like to have, at least try. And deep down you must feel it. You dont have to think of others, you have to think of u and Callie. Even if u think is being selfish thinking that, think if if u wert in place of Callie , more later u wouldst understand. And that justifies everything. For besides, you’re not well psychologically. Think about it and I think you should consider going to your grandparents with Callie because it can be to sponsor you to forbear to feel that way. It will be difficult, but you’ll be with Callie and a day later you’ll see that you did the right thing. You have nothing to lose. I hope everything goes well with you. And think positive. Kisses.
Your story has really resonated with me in terms of the sadness and self-questioning you’ve endured, and so if it’s okay, I’ll share some of mine and something that has consoled my rather beat-up soul. I’d struggled with depression, often major, for most of my life before I found myself pregnant at 25. I was living far from home, struggling to barely make ends meet and keep my head above water. I struggled with a desire to keep the baby but also the harsh reality of my situation, which seemed so selfish to bring him or her into. Moreover, I was worried that I would have the additional challenge of postpartum depression which would be even less fair to him or her. He or she (eventually she) didn’t ask for that. I felt so unworthy to my core. I had messed up, and now I was carrying this person, this blessing, and I felt I would never be good enough for her. She deserved so much more than me and my messed up life.
Well, I don’t know if you’re a religious person or not, but in my doubts and fears, I had no where to turn but to faith, if only out of desperation at times. After all, what was I to do on my own? For some reason, the story of Mary in the Bible, the mother of Jesus, kept coming back to me and became an unspeakable comfort to me on my darkest days. It’s a bit long, but so meaningful and full of life. Have you ever read it? It goes like this:
****
From the book of Luke, Chapter 1:
In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”
“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.”
“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”
**************
I mean, wow! Here is this young girl with few resources, not knowing where to turn, and God chooses HER to bear a child, a living representation of His light in the world. And naturally, she finds it hard to believe. Why her? What did she have to offer? But the angel repeats: “Do not be afraid, you are highly favored.” I mean, it’s an awesome – to the point of frightening – thing, to bear a child. There is so much responsibility, so much at stake in the life of this little being. And yet, for His own son, God didn’t choose a married couple in the suburbs with a steady paycheck, a driveway, and a nursery. He choose an scared and unwed teenage girl to bring His only child into the world. Isn’t that amazing? And what really gets me is that despite all the many doubts circling in her head, Mary finally and simply says: “May it be to me as you have said.” Like, “I don’t know why me – I feel so inadequate for the task, and so confused – but okay. Maybe one day I’ll come to realize that I’m worthy as you say I am.”
In my case, I did end up keeping my daughter, and it has not been easy. And I am still constantly plagued with the fundamental feeling that I’m just not deserving enough to be her mom. But when she was born on Christmas Eve last year, it was like this giant broadcast from heaven: “Get it through your head! I don’t make accidents. I gave you life, and then I made new life itself inside of you. It was no mistake. When you will ever understand how much your worth?” It’s not easy for me. But I have to believe because I see the evidence right in front of me.
I think it’s amazing, Ashley, that you had the extraordinary selflessness and love to place your daughter for adoption. I think you see how much she’s worth, how precious she is. But maybe it’s time to remember that you too were born with infinite worth. You are Callie’s mother because you, with everything wrong you see, are worthy to be. You may not believe, but like I said, you just kind of have to. Because it’s true.
Whatever you decide, to help raise Callie or to remain with your decision for her to be raised by her adoptive family, just know that you’re worth it. You’re worth the therapy, the support, the positive comments, the tears, whatever it takes to go through this. You’re enough, period. So do what you have to to show yourself. Treat yourself like you matter as much as your daughter does to you. Because you are a priceless and magnificent daughter, I believe, of the Father (capital F) too.
Oh, and not to mention: NOTHING is impossible for God. Not even you
Hi Ashley,
I can’t even begin to feel what you’re feeling except for the depression just not in the same context. I used to be very depressed. I had an eating disorder(Bulimia) and felt as if the world was going to end. My parents found out a year and a half into it. They wanted me to go to a psychologist and a therapist, but I kept thinking to myself, “How in the world are they going to know what I’M feeling?” well, they won’t know how you’re feeling and they will never understand what you are going through because you’re your own person. My parents eventually made me go and even though they couldn’t really help, my psychologist gave me medicine for my depression and my therapist was someone I could talk to and she would just listen without judging me. The medicine was what really did help me. It made me less hopeless. It made me want to get up in the morning and stop hating myself so much. God made us for a reason. That reason is up to you to fulfill. Personally, I think you already are, everyday you do what YOU think is best for your daughter.
Hey Ashley,
I’ve only posted once before, but you’ve been on my mind again lately.
For only yourself…remember, why did you choose adoption in the first place? Mother’s have an intution (or so I here) and I believe you used it then. In your gut and heart you just knew it would be best for Callie if she had another home to be raised in.
Now, though, you’re beating yourself up for trying to do the right thing. I’ve never been in your position, and can’t relate, but I know you don’t deserve that. When you’re ready you do deserve help. Whether it’s a support group, personal counseling, or just finding a wise woman whom you can talk to– its worth it. I’m thinking about you and praying for you and Callie. You are a beautiful, strong woman Ashley.
Hi Ashley, I just want to let you know that we have a private support group for moms going through feelings like yours. We are there for you. We are not there to tell you whether the adoption was wrong or right, just to support your feelings.
I recommend reading Evelyn Robinson, although for me a few excerpts was enough. Evelyn placed a child many years ago and is now a counselor. When you lose a child to adoption you feel betrayed by society because everyone tells you to be “unselfish” and sacrafice everything in your soul by giving up your child.
Then when you are broken on the ground sobbing every tells you you are “messed up” and need to get over it.
It’s wrong. You don’t just “get over it” and there has not been ONE study that says women who lose children to adoption just “Get over it”. In fact contrary to other forms of loss, studies have found that women who lose children to adoption have grief, sorrow, loss, depression and anger that actually grows over time.
Some studies have found that mothers who place in fact have higher trauma levels than women who lose infants to death. When you lose a child to adoption, the world APPLAUDS your loss.
The world says, “YAY you gave up your baby! You didn’t deserve your baby! That’s AWESOME! I’m so proud that you’re soul is destroyed and I don’t give a sh*t how much you suffer because I WANT you to lose your child!”
People who tell you how great it is are stabbing your heart. Every person who says, “Good for you giving up your daughter” Is telling you that you are less worthy than other mothers. You are less of a human being. You are less capable. You are less resilient. You did not deserve the resources you needed to be the parent your child needed.
People who LIKE adoption tend to be conservative assholes who don’t believe that the poor deserve their children.
No one should go through this kind of suffering Ashley. Anyone who truly cared about you would have done anything in the heavens to find out what you thought was going to be missing from your daughters life if you parented and help you GET what you needed to keep her.
Anyone who truly cares about you should be devastated along side you that no one was able to get you what you needed to parent. Everyone who cares about you should be devastated that weren’t able to keep your daughter.
And I can tell you this, my daughter still wants to live with me. She is NINE. It is not to late. Always remember that your Aunt and Uncle will be parents to her also… however you are just as much a parent as they are (if not more) and the love you carried for your daughter throughout this process is still alive and your daughter can still feel it. You both will always need each other.
Honestly I would have moved mountains to help prevent you going through this loss. I wish I had had the right words Ashley, to help you realize that your daughter needed you and that to be a good mother you did not have to be “unselfish” and give her up. In the words of my own daughter when she was five, “You don’t need a house or money or a husband to be a good mom. I wish you had kept me.”
Honestly Ashely, I have been where you are and I am always available. I can share with you what helped me find some functionality within pain that no human who has never lost a child to adoption understands.
So it’s 2am and i jus finished reading all your post.. I found it on facebook. I read it from the begin. I am usally very stroge person mentally, but reading all your postbrought teas to my eyes. I hope the best to you. I know my opion dosen’t really matter to you so much but, I think youwould be best off with Callie. When i read all your pfrom when you wewith yher you sund much more happier. Well thats my thoughts. I hope i didn’t offened you in any way. ou are an extreamly stronge person and i dont know howyou do it. God Bless You!
Hi Ashley,
i feel so sorry 4 u.U did the right thing gor callie and if any1 tries 2 tell you otherwise just ignore them and walk away i know it must of been hard for you im only 13 and i dont get wat ur goin through apart from the depression a couple of years back i had depression because my dad left and i felt like my world crumbled and i cut my wrists to i was 11 at the time and i didn’t wanna believe that but yer and now it has come back i dont noe wat for but all i noe is all u gotta do just remember what ur first looked like when she was first born and keep that image with you and remember when she gets older she will understand that you did the right thing for her
let go
ok when u said that people left u those messages about u being a bad mom i think u should delete them and to tell those people to shut the hell up they dont know what will happen can they see the futur and u will be the best mother to ur very beautiful lil girl that u can be and as for ur grandparents offering u that it was ur choice and only urs u did what u though was best for u and ur lil girl its ur choice and if people think ur stupid then its their choice to think like that i think ur being smart and ur going with ur own choice of what u think is rigt